Saturday, 7 August 2010

BEDA - Day Seven - Waxen Hearts

Ever since the age of 13, I have been called a "tease" and that I apparently "lead boys on." 

This always confused me because I was just trying to fit in. 

Boys didn't seem to like bitchy girls and they seemed to like nice girls, and I simply found the boys I knew fascinating. They were so funny and I wanted to be funny too. So, I would joke and play and flirt back at them, not realizing my careless attitude towards them often took them off guard, confused them and made them think they liked me. They never really did. And after a while they always realized this. 

I tried to be more careful (somewhere around the first season of The O.C.) but I hate shutting people out. Who knows who you could love or be great friends with one day?

Most boys I know would disagree with this. Some guys have told me just to tell them then and there that they have no chance with me. I don't do this because I don't know if they will or won't. I'm never actively seeking out someone to be with, so it's always just a nice surprise when I get along with someone and am attracted to them and want more, so why end something so fast?

But am I simply putting myself in a state of ignorance? Perhaps I need to pick up my journal and reflect a little. Maybe if I did that more often I wouldn't be in this situation an my head would be a little clearer.

Here's what I know: I like to know people for a long time before I get to know them personally. Three months... Almost a year... Whatever happens with the relationship is possibly more painful at that point but at least it's not usually as dissatisfying as a stranger's touch or a second-date hook up and break up.

I also know that I need to be free and independent, because there is so much I do and so much of me that needs to grow. People can do this with partners, but it's more difficult with new relationships.

Questions: Is my need for love strong enough to commit myself to the person I love?

What does my heart say? Well, what time is it? Because what my heart says at 3pm is wildly different to what my heart says at 11pm I don't give enough credibility to my feelings because my feeling are often stupid and wrong and influenced by the latest film or pop song. My feelings can suck it, I need to listen to my brain, and act when it feels right to act and except the consequences later. Sometimes keeping thongs casual are best, I've done pretty well at being the Casual Girl. Perhaps sometimes it can make one feel a bit hollow or resentful, but I'd often rather be that than the one caught with the feelings and rejected.

I'll try to do the right thing, according to other peoples opinions, at least I can then blame them later...

***

When it comes to work, I've been thinking. Maybe I need to try to give it a really good go. Make up the work times myself and stick to them, and actually work during those times, work hard, try a little dedication and then see how I feel.

I always feel bad about complaining about my unhappiness when I know that I am so far from perfect. If I strive for perfection and live a fairly ordered life for a month, maybe then I can reflect on my feelings and see if there are any changes and feel better about being sad if I've put in an effort. That's a funny statement, feeling better about being sad, but hopefully you can understand. Don't you often wonder if you are, in fact, the bad guy in the situation? I think about it all the time.

Here's what I know (about the work part of my life): Adventure beckons me from every corner. I am a wanderer, as lame as it is to say. It is very hard for me to live in one place for so long. So, sitting in front of a desktop can easily depress me.

I need to take my share of the blame for my unhappiness and uncertainty, before I run off to other horizons.

Was this blog post influenced by a horoscope? We may never know... ; )

7 comments:

Chris in the Studio said...

Every one is different. Some people need to fit in and in so doing must compromise who they are at the surface and lead shallow existences. They are able to function normally and have a nice house with a white picket fence and three kids and an automobile.
I've never done that so I don't know if I would be happier.

These are major growing pains. You and only you can decide if you are going to "Fake the funk" and fit in or be yourself and piss a few people off on the way.
All I can say about you is; you are a smart person and you eventually are going to want to surround yourself with smart people. Smart people see through, don't like, and don't have much respect and/or use for fakers. So my advice would be, "DON'T FAKE THE FUNK"


"Boys like nice girls
Men like bitches"
ha ha, that last quote was supposed to be stupid.
Surely there is some middle ground somewhere no?

davidlefool said...

Sometimes keeping thongs casual are best

Casual thongs are my favourite. Erm not really. Bitchy girls have always scared me away for sure. I've always found it incredible when any girl is nice to me. "Is it too good to be true?" (Yes, it is. Except when it isn't.)

Case said...

Thank you. You just put into words exactly I am am with people and relationships. It's nice to know I am not alone in these ideas and feelings... :o)

Jer said...

Question:

Whats the difference between a bitch and a slut?

Answer:

A slut sleeps with everybody.
A bitch sleeps with everybody...
.....except --> YOU


Caitlin. ...you Bitch


;p

Autore said...

so at 11:00pm you just love the one you're with?

taktin said...

Caitlin,

First don't feel bad about being sad... that's just too much :)

Throughout the day job I've thankfully long parted ways with I'd always had the impression that none of my colleagues actually cared about what we were doing any more than I did; that no matter how earnestly they were at it for 8 hours it all went out the window to be replaced with their families and social engagements and herb gardens come sundown. Like it was all an act they were secretly complicit in, partly for clients and management but principally themselves - as if to affirm they really were pursuing their passions, doing what they loved for a living. And who was I to deny them? It wasn't like I who didn't partake in this delusion ever got any work before the daily 5-6pm cram time. I mean, these guys were a lot older than you and me and couldn't call it a temp thing while their aspirations to broadway or hollywood or international man/woman of mystery were put on hold to pay the bills. Perhaps they'd perpetuated the myth of being happy at such a boring place until it became true. Towards the end I even began to admire them for it...

Unfortunately, I'm at a loss regarding your boy troubles. I guess you could always try not shaving or becoming fat or really ugly. Though even that might not be enough.

taktin said...

And feel better, by the way.

Totals