Thank You, Life!

Thank you for showing me your desktops. I'm glad my latest assignment is over so that I can now delete all these files that are messing up mine now.

I've been having computer issues lately. iMovie09 quits after every edit, and I tried to follow suggestions on the various advice pages but it's still not working right. I'm sure there's no chance of getting back to YouTube if it shuts down after every edit. My videos often have so many edits, I think I'd go mad.

I wanted to shout to the world how grateful I am for yesterday. I was really happy because my assignment, though last minute, was on track. I thought I'd have it done before midnight (but I always misjudge just how fiddly keynotes and edits are) and was feeling quite inspired about the whole thing.
Then I got a call saying that I had to work, I was "on call", but I never usually expect to work Tuesdays so hadn't even thought of the possibility of working. I broke down immediately, it was quite pathetic and I realized it was happening at the time, but I was so panicked and I guess much more stressed about my assignment than I realized.
I was shaking and breathing deeply and crying. I was so mad at myself for not being ready.

Then, while on the way to work, making notes to my assignment on my phone while on the bus, I got a call that all these tables had cancelled and therefore I was cancelled too! I was so happy! I felt so lucky! I could hardly believe it! I got off the bus at the next stop, crossed the road and went home.

I had such a good night working. I am very finicky, so I was still up to almost 4AM anyway, so you can imagine how much I appreciated not working, as I may not have had any sleep at all.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan in all his finery (which wasn't much in the end, poor fellow).

The only problem was that my Keynote would only show the very last slide, and when I exported it to powerpoint, it did not open at all, and so I had to export it to Quicktime, which ruined it's quality a little bit, but now I know what to do if this happens again.

I was worried that the presentation might not make any sense when I read it the next day, but I'm getting much better at proof-reading my work when tired, and so when I performed there were no strange paragraphs or foreign sections I didn't recognize. I had read it enough in the wee hours, that it was all very familiar. People seemed to like it, I received some compliments and also just felt very confident in what I was presenting as I was presenting it, which doesn't often happen.

I had a lot of fun for the rest of the lesson and was feeling so grateful for the twist of fate or whatever happened in the world for those people to cancel the tables (hopefully it was not for any bad reason). I wanted to thank someone, something, do something for someone for the world.

This won't always happen. There will be days where work won't be cancelled. I have to learn to have an assignment ready at least by the 2nd last night before the assessment is due, so if there are any last minute hiccups, it won't cause me to freak out so badly.

So thank you, Life! Thank you, world! Thank you, fate or whatever is greater!
I'm going to do something good for life in return. I'm going to work on being good for life for a while, I'm just so relieved.

LAST WEEKEND: I went looking at new places to live. We looked at two and applied for one. It's usually not as easy as that, so I won't be surprised if we don't get it.

YESTERDAY: Was dramatic, but before the drama I was in high spirits. I leapt out of bed at the right time and was really looking forward to Movement class. It's always a challenge, but it's like a puzzle I have to solve. We also received our posters and flyers for our upcoming performance. So I'm sure some of you will see me posting that around the Internet.

TOMORROW: We have Production Theatre and more group presentations. We did ours last week, so it will be nice to just relax and watch. The restaurant I work at also has some kind of charity dinner, so I get to dress up... Someone is having sex on the floor above me. Squeak-a squeak-a squeak-a squeak-a. Ugh. Oh, and here come the noises. Ah man, awkward. If I hear it without wanting to, then you have to imagine hearing it too! Ha-ha! Suckers! :P Don't get me wrong, sex is sex, whatever, but sometimes it just sounds so ridiculous.

BEDA - Day Seven - Waxen Hearts

Ever since the age of 13, I have been called a "tease" and that I apparently "lead boys on." 

This always confused me because I was just trying to fit in. 

Boys didn't seem to like bitchy girls and they seemed to like nice girls, and I simply found the boys I knew fascinating. They were so funny and I wanted to be funny too. So, I would joke and play and flirt back at them, not realizing my careless attitude towards them often took them off guard, confused them and made them think they liked me. They never really did. And after a while they always realized this. 

I tried to be more careful (somewhere around the first season of The O.C.) but I hate shutting people out. Who knows who you could love or be great friends with one day?

Most boys I know would disagree with this. Some guys have told me just to tell them then and there that they have no chance with me. I don't do this because I don't know if they will or won't. I'm never actively seeking out someone to be with, so it's always just a nice surprise when I get along with someone and am attracted to them and want more, so why end something so fast?

But am I simply putting myself in a state of ignorance? Perhaps I need to pick up my journal and reflect a little. Maybe if I did that more often I wouldn't be in this situation an my head would be a little clearer.

Here's what I know: I like to know people for a long time before I get to know them personally. Three months... Almost a year... Whatever happens with the relationship is possibly more painful at that point but at least it's not usually as dissatisfying as a stranger's touch or a second-date hook up and break up.

I also know that I need to be free and independent, because there is so much I do and so much of me that needs to grow. People can do this with partners, but it's more difficult with new relationships.

Questions: Is my need for love strong enough to commit myself to the person I love?

What does my heart say? Well, what time is it? Because what my heart says at 3pm is wildly different to what my heart says at 11pm I don't give enough credibility to my feelings because my feeling are often stupid and wrong and influenced by the latest film or pop song. My feelings can suck it, I need to listen to my brain, and act when it feels right to act and except the consequences later. Sometimes keeping thongs casual are best, I've done pretty well at being the Casual Girl. Perhaps sometimes it can make one feel a bit hollow or resentful, but I'd often rather be that than the one caught with the feelings and rejected.

I'll try to do the right thing, according to other peoples opinions, at least I can then blame them later...

***

When it comes to work, I've been thinking. Maybe I need to try to give it a really good go. Make up the work times myself and stick to them, and actually work during those times, work hard, try a little dedication and then see how I feel.

I always feel bad about complaining about my unhappiness when I know that I am so far from perfect. If I strive for perfection and live a fairly ordered life for a month, maybe then I can reflect on my feelings and see if there are any changes and feel better about being sad if I've put in an effort. That's a funny statement, feeling better about being sad, but hopefully you can understand. Don't you often wonder if you are, in fact, the bad guy in the situation? I think about it all the time.

Here's what I know (about the work part of my life): Adventure beckons me from every corner. I am a wanderer, as lame as it is to say. It is very hard for me to live in one place for so long. So, sitting in front of a desktop can easily depress me.

I need to take my share of the blame for my unhappiness and uncertainty, before I run off to other horizons.

Was this blog post influenced by a horoscope? We may never know... ; )