Replacing Life With Books

As I mentioned in one of my recent posts, my Mum says that you can waste your life reading books.

One should most certainly have their own adventures, but when you are a little burnt out or perhaps a little world weary and desperate for nurture, going on a book binge sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

Which is what I'm doing. I'm bingeing on books. I've been here just over a week and I've already finished three books and am now onto my fourth.

I desperately need to make up time. I bought books during my first two years in Manhattan like one buys drinks for friends, but I didn't have many friends so I, yes, bought books! Hundreds of books! It's too much. It costs too much to buy and it certainly costs to much to ship and the idea of shipping books around the world for the simple aim of READING them seems ludicrous to me. So, before my next journey (hopefully), I don't intend to bring them all with me. I intend to conquer them. To slaughter these writers words page by page, but lapping up the blood of their stories like a true admirer instead of just skim-reading like so many tired souls do.

They say that a book should break your heart as you read the last page, and so far, I'll admit, my heart hasn't really been broken but it certainly has been warmed by Payne, Green and Thompson and surely next by Zuzsak. I'm looking forward to living through these characters for a moment, because I am a little lost, and my next chapter is pinned to a cork board in so many scattered post-it notes.

I look back on how little I've read over the past 3 years (minus forgotten graphic novels and periodicals):

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You by Peter Cameron

The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

American Eve, Evelyn Nesbit, Stanford White, The Birth of the "It" Girl and the Crime of the Century by Paula Uruburu

Youth in Revolt and

Frisco Pigeon Mambo by C.D. Payne

The Iliad, Homer

Will Grayson, Will Grayson and

Paper Towns and

Looking for Alaska by John Green

Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (because I didn't know better)

The Walking Dead "Days Gone Bye" by Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson

and the only other novel that I recognize as having read out of the piles of new books sitting along the wall is Obernewtyn by Isobelle Carmody. A series I intended to follow but never did. Just seeing it there makes me sad, like a picture I never finished or a photograph of a moment that the memory cannot place.

So what do you do with the books you have read? Especially when you plan to one day only truly own and cherish enough to fit in nap sack (a goal, I know, that will never be realized but a nice goal to aim towards nonetheless, especially when you're tired of owning anything that won't matter when you desperately need the things that do)?

I don't know. Once I have noted any particular delights from The Walking Dead, Frisco Pigeon Mambo, The Iliad and Eat Pray Love, I can easily see myself feeling fine about donating these or giving them away (for I could not bare to ever throw a book in the trash).

I know I desperately want to give away The Tipping Point, for it reminds me of a life that I no longer want to be a part of, but I can't help but fear that I'll slip towards it again some day and need reminding of what works for that life... Fuck it, I can borrow it if I ever venture down those dark avenues again.

OK, out of the books I've listed I'm keeping four, but I'm not going to say which books because it's like Sophie's Choice. What, too dramatic? Never.

"This blog went no where!" a la Brian...

BEDA - Day Seven - Waxen Hearts

Ever since the age of 13, I have been called a "tease" and that I apparently "lead boys on." 

This always confused me because I was just trying to fit in. 

Boys didn't seem to like bitchy girls and they seemed to like nice girls, and I simply found the boys I knew fascinating. They were so funny and I wanted to be funny too. So, I would joke and play and flirt back at them, not realizing my careless attitude towards them often took them off guard, confused them and made them think they liked me. They never really did. And after a while they always realized this. 

I tried to be more careful (somewhere around the first season of The O.C.) but I hate shutting people out. Who knows who you could love or be great friends with one day?

Most boys I know would disagree with this. Some guys have told me just to tell them then and there that they have no chance with me. I don't do this because I don't know if they will or won't. I'm never actively seeking out someone to be with, so it's always just a nice surprise when I get along with someone and am attracted to them and want more, so why end something so fast?

But am I simply putting myself in a state of ignorance? Perhaps I need to pick up my journal and reflect a little. Maybe if I did that more often I wouldn't be in this situation an my head would be a little clearer.

Here's what I know: I like to know people for a long time before I get to know them personally. Three months... Almost a year... Whatever happens with the relationship is possibly more painful at that point but at least it's not usually as dissatisfying as a stranger's touch or a second-date hook up and break up.

I also know that I need to be free and independent, because there is so much I do and so much of me that needs to grow. People can do this with partners, but it's more difficult with new relationships.

Questions: Is my need for love strong enough to commit myself to the person I love?

What does my heart say? Well, what time is it? Because what my heart says at 3pm is wildly different to what my heart says at 11pm I don't give enough credibility to my feelings because my feeling are often stupid and wrong and influenced by the latest film or pop song. My feelings can suck it, I need to listen to my brain, and act when it feels right to act and except the consequences later. Sometimes keeping thongs casual are best, I've done pretty well at being the Casual Girl. Perhaps sometimes it can make one feel a bit hollow or resentful, but I'd often rather be that than the one caught with the feelings and rejected.

I'll try to do the right thing, according to other peoples opinions, at least I can then blame them later...

***

When it comes to work, I've been thinking. Maybe I need to try to give it a really good go. Make up the work times myself and stick to them, and actually work during those times, work hard, try a little dedication and then see how I feel.

I always feel bad about complaining about my unhappiness when I know that I am so far from perfect. If I strive for perfection and live a fairly ordered life for a month, maybe then I can reflect on my feelings and see if there are any changes and feel better about being sad if I've put in an effort. That's a funny statement, feeling better about being sad, but hopefully you can understand. Don't you often wonder if you are, in fact, the bad guy in the situation? I think about it all the time.

Here's what I know (about the work part of my life): Adventure beckons me from every corner. I am a wanderer, as lame as it is to say. It is very hard for me to live in one place for so long. So, sitting in front of a desktop can easily depress me.

I need to take my share of the blame for my unhappiness and uncertainty, before I run off to other horizons.

Was this blog post influenced by a horoscope? We may never know... ; )