Saturday, 30 December 2006

Bloody Men - VOX

I am so annoyed at myself. I am mortified actually.

All this year, I have been so closed off with my emotions.

The truth is is that I am seeing someone at the moment, and I still haven't let my feelings go...

Maybe it is because they are letting their feelings just fill the emotion-hole of the relationship?They are letting their guard down, which lets me be the dominating person in the relationship?Do I like that? I'm not sure..

Is it because I'm not sure if they are right for me? It's a weird situation...there is nothing wrong with the guy.

He is great.

Perfect, in a way.

I love his family.

He is so sweet, kind and affectionate.

So, I don't feel any reason to let the relationship die and yet, something isn't starting within me.

The fire?

The passion?

Whatever it is that makes you fall for someone, just hasn't started. I'm not feeling it. It makes me sad, actually.

...I want to feel for him. I like him. But I don't match him with affection and what he feels. (edit 5/16/10: or what I assumed he felt... geez, wow, Caitlin, ego much?)

However, the most annoying thing is that I can let my emotions run wild and fall for someone I don't even know!!!


What the hell is with that???

I see him as more superior than me, so when I was confronted by him the other day...I just froze.


There was no wit or charm or anything girls try to turn on to woo a guy. Nothing. I didn't even speak to him!!!

And then he left and it was the most humilating moment of my life...

That should not be able to happen, especially when its with bloody webcams...

Shit man, I am so pissed off at myself for that.

Its all the wrong way around!!! I'm so EVIL!

I should be infatuated with the guy I'm with, not some illusion...

But I'm not anymore. I got angry and went and watched a marathon of Criminal Intent on TV1.
Fell back in LOVE with Vincent D'Onofrio. He was sweet as in Full Metal Jacket, but I love his Detective work hahaha!

Basically, I just want to stop "liking" people that I admire and just start liking the people who are actually IN my life. It's so pathetic. Seriously. It's the worst.

Anyway, I'm not logging in to YouTube for a little while...I need to cleanse my soul of viral videos.

I hate men. But damn, I love them...I wish I was a wouldn't be easier...but I reckon I'd be luckier in that area... Theres quite a lot of lesbians in Brisbane.. (edit 5/16/10: is there?)

My main thought is, do I wait to feel for this guy...? It seems cruel. But he's so great. I'm just not there.. Especially since the other day he said he was "falling for me"... Sigh.

Or do feelings only kick in with the right people...I must say out of any guys I have ever felt for, I have only ever felt crazy-in-love twice. Once was with this guy that started to change himself just as we finally got together...and the other was another person I thought was too good for me, and I literally went crazy over that relationship...shit, most of it was spent alone in my room crying, wondering when he was going to dump me because I wasn't worth him (we ended up mutually breaking up, we both cried, it was fun)...

Anyway, I love men long time...but, I either don't treat them well or act like a complete dork... I know that eventually I need to be with somebody that I feel like a dork with, if I do feel in control with the relationship it always ends up badly... that's what happened with the last one...I wonder if the same thing will happen with this one...?

Love from The Mortified Dork xox

Wednesday, 6 December 2006

QotD: If I Had To Do It All Over Again - VOX

"What's one thing you regret not doing?" - submitted by Mr. Nice.

One thing I regret recently is not going to my WAAPA audition (Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts).

I let myself succumb to my fear and believe that I couldn't do it. That I would be laughed at and mocked. So I didn't go.

So pathetic. Who knows what might have happened if I auditioned?

I shouldn't close myself off to any opportunity, no matter how embarrassing or scary it is. The point is to experience things, because that is what life is about. Living and experiencing everything. If you close yourself up in a little box, you will never learn anything.

So, from now on, any oppertunity I am offered, I will take. Just for the experience.

- Caitlin...

Hellooo Mr. Vox! First Blog


I'm Caitlin and I confuse myself. Maybe a blog will help unravel the mystery behind why the hell I am the way I am...?

I have also included one of my first YouTube videos for you all...just so you can have a basic idea of who you are dealing with... (was on VOX)

But anyway...I must admit. I do prefer writing then typing these days. I use to be much more into typing my feelings, but when I write I just write and what I say is exactly what I feel... it just pours out easier.

Tuesday 5th December 2006

I am not very nice to my family members. I am not mean to them or terribly rude. But I am ignorant. And self-centered.

I feel very much like Leonardo Dicaprio in Basketball Diaries or Romeo & Juliet - sitting here in public, writing this while the wind blows through my hair. I'm also sitting at a train station waiting for a Gold Coast bound train to take me to Robina. When I get there, I'll meet Remi.

As I write this, I realise I am sitting at the wrong platform...I'm to use to travelling north to the city. It doesn't really matter though, because this station only has two platforms...

I woke up at about 6am; my alarm had gone off and I kept panicking. "I'm late for something", "Something has to be done". But there wasn't anything I needed to do. This continued til about 10 mins to 9am. Remi texted me asking me what time I was available for the script reading.

Our friend, Anthony J. had wrote a script about men treating women badly and we were all going to be in the film. Anthony is producing it and Remi is directing it.

Ugh. I just made an ass of myself...I heard a train coming and I got up really quickly, thinking it was the Gold Coast train. However, it was just the Beenleigh train terminating. Now I have a huge pen mark on my arm where I jumped up in a panic.

"Passengers are reminded that smoking is strictly prohibited on the station platforms."

Here it comes; the train!

I feel really bad because a lady sat next to me just as I jumped up to the catch the train. I hope she wasn't offended.

I spent all morning on the computer...on YouTube, of course...and the Queensland Rail site to check out the times...

I was meant to be meeting Remi at 1pm so we could hang out, but I couldn't get to the station due to my Grandma being busy with hanging out with my Aunty & Uncle. They have just returned for a short amount of time from Saudi Arabia. I think Uncle Clayton works at a place that is either still or was called British Aerospace.

So I decided to get the 1.08pm train, which I'm on now, and that I'll arrive at 1.41pm. And I did.

I replied all my YT messages from December 4th. Hopefully tonight I'll be able to reply all of December 3rd - wow, what a fascinating life I do lead...ugh.

And I found another great YouTuber, who just happens to be Australian! He is Digiwax. He has really hilarious YT videos, but he left in August and hasn't been back to post more since. It's quite sad really, he could have been great!

My Aunty kept interrupting me while I was at the computer. It was worse because I had my head-phones on - so every conversation from my end starts with: "What?"

Sometimes I think I mainly turn on the computer to listen to music. I know that that is the only reason I kept replying message after message-

"Ormeau, Ormeau station."

I'll sign off here...more rambling thoughts to come! :D

Cheerio Chappies!

Caitlin Hill!

Wednesday, 23 August 2006

New Start at the Middle of the Hill

Originally posted on Buzznet.

I got the job at the conveyancing place. So I work there. I've been working there two days now, and feel like I've been working there for years. It's so cool...I have finally become my 'The Office' where is my Tim played by a cute Martin Freeman? Hmm? WHERE???

The whole office is full of females. Which means things can get slightly snappy. But it's pretty good. I love having an actual lunch break. It's friggin sweet! I don't come home from work at 11 o'clock at night and I don't come back caked in dirt.

I just rang my boss David. His reaction to me quitting - "in saying that, can you bring your shirt back?" Calm and normal as ever. I don't care what he thinks of me off the phone line, but he doesn't really seem to feel too much one way or the other. He just seems happy. How can a man be so happy? He must be in love, because he is still married, his kids all love him. He's a great man. He reminds me a bit of Harry...I don't think Harry will be owning a 7/11 for a living, he'll do much greater things...but it's just Harry all over...

Anyway, everything is going okay right now. So that is good. I just want things to go okay for a while.

YouTube is really amazingly gigantic. I'm trying to respond to everyone and add everyone as a friend...but it's going to take me a while, so please be patient. You are all so wonderful, even the mean people - I love you all! You make me smile!!!

I can't believe my rap has recieved over 1million views - thats just ker-azy!

Love Always and Latro The Digitalized Foot and The Itchy Ring Finger.

  • invictusiii
    Hey "good on ya mate" sounds like you've got yourself a "fair dinkum" (sorry, but I couldn't help myself with the aussie slang...hehe) Oh, btw... I also just wanted to comment on why I think you've had so many views on your youtube rap vid.... First of all, you are very charming and entertaining. Plus, I also think you're very funny... Aaaaaand, considering the usual mindless drivel one finds on the internet, your videos (and you) are entertaining and quite amusing! I think you might just be a "star" in the making.... Okay, nuff said, lol. Good luck (or "break a leg" as we like to say in show business..hehe) with your new job!
    Peace and love sweetie!
    Aug 23, 2006
  • kev
    i've been watching some of ur stuff on youtube. its cool. theres something i wanna know. are you american. the way you talk makes me think you are. well are you? tell me about it when you have time. and also you said you are the girl in red dress. hmmmmm. i check the movie out online. i did not see ur name on it. guess you were kidding. bye.
    Aug 24, 2006
  • AceTracer
    That's a nice attitude to have on the whole thing. Realizing that it's just the internet and not letting things get to you already makes you more mature than about 99% of the population.
    Aug 25, 2006
  • In vino veritas
    Hola,creo que te llamas Caitlin.Lamento escribirte en castellano pero es que se me da mal el ingl�s.Soy de La Coru�a (Espa�a).He visto tu video en youtube (Re: LonelyGirl: Lazydork is Better Than You).Me ha gustado mucho.S�lo escribia para decirte esto.Me ha parecido muy m�gico.Suerte en todo.
    See you later.Chao
    Aug 25, 2006
  • coppo68
    Congratulations on yer new job! When I first heard you mention 7/11, I thought it was some sort of nightclub and you were serving drinks, XD. Anyway, the story behind the hobos is that they either didn't get goodenough grades in their exam, or just had horrendous bad luck. It's such a shame not everyone lives happily ever after.
    Thus, I shalt end my comment with a quote!
    "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." ~Confucius

    Aug 25, 2006
  • ToddFarkman
    I would go out tonight but I haven't got a stitch to wear!! This man said "It's gruesome that someone so handsome should care" AWWWWW!

    Caitlan, you kids really amaze me that you don't fear putting your stuff out there like you do. All your life out there and you don't you fear all these people knowing who and where you are? Most people are harmless, but there are some weirdos out're just 17, I hope you keep a good head about yourself and don't invite trouble.

    This whole internet, mySpace, youTube stuff is pretty creepy. We had this 15 year old girl here locally that met a Kuwaiti guy on mySpace and on her own, flew to the middle east to meet him! Yikes!

    Uh, am I talking to myself? Probably. Oh well. Enjoy the attention, it's pretty obvious that that's what you crave....

    A jumped-up pantry boy who never knew his place he said "return the ring" he knows so much about these things...

    -this charming man
    Aug 25, 2006
  • justchemicals
    the smiths man - sooo good
    Aug 26, 2006
  • Alfredo Daguer Mexico
    hello there!..Caitlin, i loved the last video you posted on youtube specially the music, now i know all about the wicked musical, but there is a song at the beggining of the video just after popular i been searching like crazy for it!! dont have a clue about the name but i think i heard it in the movie thirteen, could you please tell me the name of the song? well thanks.. keep up the good work!..
    Aug 27, 2006
  • I Love Caitlin
    I've viewed all your videos, Caitlin, and I've fallen in LOVE with you.

    e-mail me!!!

    Caitlin Fan
    Aug 30, 2006
  • justchemicals
    blur - on your own
    Aug 31, 2006
  • Todd
    I saw your comments about protecting your mom, that must have been pretty harsh. Maybe that explains your issues with men? Is your dad still around? I only see pics of mum.

    Not that it's any of my bidness. :-/

    Hey, I just added a video for the first time, how about that. I saw a creepy evangilist on TV who if you pay him $1000 he'll get the lord to do some cool things for you. I called the number and told them I was GOD and they were going to hell. lol. Check it out. You can also see my statue of Sparty.

    I love having these one-sided conversations, it's kind of like those monologs where you just assume someone maybe be watching.

    Have a good evening. What is the temp there? Very nice here, in the 70s F. You guys suffering from global warming? You're in winter right now, no? Just blink twice or nod once......
    Aug 31, 2006
  • Todd
    Oh yeah, I was also going to say how I love how you say murder....muuhhhder. I'm not poking fun, it's a cuter version of the New York version of moo-der. Yo, howya doin?
    Aug 31, 2006
  • Todd
    I see things are slowing down on your board. I also saw you were getting a lot of grief from posters.

    Keep yer chin up lassie. Like I said, the internet can be very creepy. People are not the same as in real life when they can act however they want with no accountability. And there's the porn thing...;-D

    Go Green! Beat Idaho!
    Sep 01, 2006
  • In vino veritas
    Mi buena amiga caitlin ,ya s� que no entiendes para nada el castellano.Podr�a escribirte en ingl�s pero...para qu�?.He visto algunos videos tuyos en youtube.Son graciosos.Eres graciosa.Es lo que tiene tener 17 a�os.No cumplas m�s .Qu�date ah�.un saludo desde La Coru�a.Espa�a.Por cierto...�se ven canguros en donde vives?.Suerte guapa.

    Un regalo:

    Este soy yo:
    Sep 06, 2006
  • CheesyRoquefort
    Allo, allo. This is London calling. I just followed a trail from a popular YouTube video (yes, the good rap one), saw some other videos (yes, the also quirky but not quite so good ones - except for the free jumping), and checked out the personal site. Anyway, to keep the CheesyRoquefort salivating for your videos, please inject some of that X-Factor again! Don't look back in 10 years to that rap video as your high point - aim for a higher peak and avoid the easy hills...
    Sep 07, 2006
  • Anonymous
    Sep 21, 2006

Sunday, 20 August 2006

A possibility?

Originally posted on Buzznet.

So I joined YouTube...and things got quite crazy. My video got featured and I've had quite a few hits...and over 9000 emails in my hotmail account. :( I'm a bit freaked about it actually. I have got more nice people than mean people I think, but they both comment in healthy even doses of love and hate, which keeps me sane.

I've never experienced this kind of attention before, and its freaking me out. There is so much pressure to make another get featured again and get a million hits like the famous youtubers out there...but its just the I don't know why I feel so much pressure to be great.

I might be going to a interview as a receptionist at a law firm in beenleigh, so thats cool. Hope I get it. Good money, hours, and good place to work. And its a law firm for construction stuff...sounds kinda easy yet possibly complicated.

I've been eating way to much chocolate. Oh, I went to the EKKA and got fudge cuz they stopped selling showbags when i got there...i nearly cried. i was that disappointed cuz i have been wanting to go to the ekka for soooo long. ive never been before, well grandma says i went as a baby, but i cant remember so it doesnt count...i missed out on a lot of things, but went on my first upside-down carnie park ride, which ive always been too afraid to go on, so that was cool for necklace fell behind my head and caught in my hair, so whenever it went upside down, i felt like i was being choked. chocked. lol, chocked. friend tamika was screaming her head was sooo funny. afterwards we all went to the boyz old school and they drank and stuff and we just chatted, harry sent me a drunken rant that i asked grant to translate for me...he said that it means he likes me...its so complicated.

i was crazy on the train home, high on coke, fairy floss and chocolate icecream....coke really is my alcohol...i was all incoherent and all kinds of drunk on the train it was funny, and looking back on it it was also really pathetic looking.

saw grant tonight, we hung out, got food...played games...watched family guy, just hung out. he asked me to kiss him. i didnt. too afraid.

rehearsals for the pajama game were really good. we've learnt all the songs and i love singing like an american.

sorry for the crappy blogging, i know i usually type quite neatly...but nobody reads this anyway!

lovealways and latro thehill88 and obsessiveq

  • timijimi
    Hey, I am not a nobody! :P
    Aug 20, 2006
  • sam
    if ure coming to england go to cornwall or london i live there at both not beacuase of me but because there coll like you
    Aug 20, 2006
  • Hanibal
    I see you're a virgo. When is your birthday?
    Aug 20, 2006
  • anakin ryan
    Hi you dont know me but dont worry im not mental or anything :-)
    just saw your videos on youtube and i wanted to say i think your really funny and cute.
    just had to let you know cos it seems like funny cute people are kind of an endangered species these days.
    oh good luck with your interview by the way, all the best.
    Aug 20, 2006
  • Kal�
    Hey whats up... I saw your videos in YouTube and I love!!! Sorry for my english ok? I'm just a brazilian boy trying to speak english... for this I wanna to talk with you.. add me on you messenger ok??? or send me an email...
    I wanna to see you in the cinema! auhauha... kisses... see ya!
    Aug 20, 2006
  • sakuropc
    hi , i am from chile , xd mhhh , i dont know that say in english (because , i am from chile and... mhh my first language is spanish mhhh.. then.. may be that i will say thing with out sence and, u dont understand me ja aj ...

    i saw all ur videos in youtube , and , i dont know , why??? u have some, special, i dont know what u have, but, when i was see u.. i cant stop od see ur funny face... i think , that if u would lives here in Santiago of Chile.... aj aj xd forget...
    but.. fot more that i search more data about u .. i dont find T_T , and this day.. i was try of understand ur life... a kinda...mhhh.. i cant T_T
    i know , that u are graduaded (like me xd) and , u do theatre.mhhh and no more T_T but , i think that ur life is nice..xd
    now i have very much question about u
    are u in university????
    what say in ur crazy videos.. ???
    how will be talk with u??? in reality
    ok.. i wrotten very mush and the most probably that u will just read this , like one more
    may be , too that u dont read... this.. aj ajja or dont know , but just was want
    Aug 20, 2006
  • bluebonics
    this is funny... some of the responses you get... "I see you're a virgo"... sounds like we're at a bar... my favorite: "Hi you dont know me but dont worry im not mental or anything :-)" ... you gotta love that for an opening line...

    and just a hint, "was crazy on the train home, high on coke, fairy floss and chocolate icecream...." sounds like you were snorting lines in the bathroom of the train or something...

    one more hint and this one'll be serious... it's about youtube: don't feel pressured to "make another awesome video" because that only leads to crappy videos and frankly, if it wasn't for your oddness of character in that video response to lonelygirl i never would have become a fan, and stuff like that can't be analysed and packaged... it has to just flow (unlike your rap ;P)..

    in closing... i'd have to say that i am mental and umm... keep up the good work and whatnot or something
    Aug 20, 2006
  • bluebonics
    hmm.. how come the comment section asks for an e-mail and then only puts the link there when you first post and view it but upon subsequent views the link isn't there?
    Aug 20, 2006
  • anakin ryan
    lol glad you liked my opener bluebonics, its from the movie waynes world, you should watch it, its real funny.
    oh yeh you know that coke comment kinda had me giggling as well:-)
    Aug 21, 2006
  • Coppo68
    You sure got a lot of fans on YouTube, and now they're leeching here? Everyone's wanting to meet that superstar Caitlin! Anyway, I'm one of them. Hello, I'm Coppo.

    After watching your videos, I saw that you were not only cute, funny, wacky and a great dancer, but also interesting. Which is what led me to your website. 9000 e-mails? Wow, that's what happens when thousands of male single YouTube users want to get into your pants XD.

    Anyway, glad to finally meet you (or rather, post on your journal), looking forward to seeing more of that awesome aussie chick, and I wish I got drunk from coke *jealousy level rising*. ^_^

    Aug 21, 2006
  • anakin ryan
    oh hey just had a thought if you really are frigid your next rap video should be as cold as ice lmao :-)
    Aug 21, 2006
  • Garrett
    Cheers from Illinois, (US).... Haha like your videos and enjoyed reading what you have to say (Above). If you want to see who i am or somthing along those lines my youtube is:

    Well best wishes,
    Aug 21, 2006
  • Thiago
    Well.. if people didnt.. I believe they have started reading by now. Im brazilian, and Im reading. In fact, you write quite well, and your videos are really funny. I imagine how it is to get about 9000 e-mails for something like that. You'll handle it, maybe you are even having fun.
    Don't mind about the mean comments, they just didnt know to appreciate it; maybe they even envy you. Well.. gotta go now.. before you think I am a crazy person for being here or something... :)
    Aug 21, 2006
  • Fred
    Hi Caitlin. Just saw your clips on YouTube and read your blog. Both are great! You are hysterically funny in a perfect natural way. Don't let all this attention freak you out too much. And don't feel pressured to do another great clip. Just try to do what you would do anyway. It will be great even if it doesn't attract all the same hype. Anyway, thanks for the chuckles. You made my day better :-)
    Aug 22, 2006
  • Todd Farkman
    "There is so much pressure to make another awesome get featured again and get a million hits like the famous youtubers out there...but its just the I don't know why I feel so much pressure to be great."

    Not to be a downer, but I don't think the video was well-received because of a talented rap, I think it was more due to a flock of horny guys. You looked very cute, and you are a cute girl. Let me just say there's a reason why internet porn makes billions of rubles. If I posted a hottie likcking a popcicle, I'm guessing it would do well on youTube.

    Why do you think people watched lonely girl? :-/

    It's also the real-TV effect, people want to safely intrude on other people's lives.

    Just a little perspective, fwiw.
    Aug 26, 2006
  • ERica
    Another "not a no body"
    Aug 27, 2006
    you are due to feel now special which salts in Internet your you must feel now special that much people who pay attention to you your you must there feel special to do what few we obtained and is to remove a smile to the people although I believe perhaps that where you live you do not have the reality to the door of your house this mistaking but that I create I think that there many things that to make but that say and are one hurts that for expresarte something teng that to speak in another language serious but easy to speak all he himself language and thus many problems of wars and violences do not habrian good to not I bother you but and I hope that you pass “smile very well so long charming” good bye
    Aug 28, 2006
  • ToddToddFarkFark
    LMAO...was that "Internet is for Porn" comment for me? If so, I'm flattered. Here I thought I was talking to myself. :-D

    You're actually the first video monolog I've seen on youTube and having watched several more, to be honest, I'm kind of growing tired of them. It takes some giant balls to assume people want to sit and hear you ramble, no offense. Regardless, I did enjoy your mindless ramblings. :-P

    Are you going to do the "lick the popcicle in your undies" thing? I promise you'll be #1 again! Don't underestimate the animalistic and dull-witted attributes of the human male to get you far! Personally I'd rather you not get in your undies on youTube and I'm pretty sure you won't....

    Just fwiw, I am not implying I viewed your videos because I compared you to porn. Just that you are an attractive girl (woman?) and you were really cute in that rap video. Hey, that fat dude from NYC worked a lot harder on his video and rap, and it was better, but he doesn't look nearly half as cute as you. So go figure. Cute girls sell, fat hairy Puerto Rican Jews don't.

    Me thinks you were making fun of me, but that's fine. Seriously tho, how safe is it to give out your full name, etc? :-/ Do you think my name is Farkman?

    But I like your "Internet is for Porn" as an album cover, kind of like "Meat is Murder". lol. How about this:

    And the flesh you so fancifully eye
    Is not succulent, tasty or kind
    Its porn for no reason
    And porn for no reason is the internet

    lol. I'm so terribly clever aren't I? At least I entertain myself....(not a reference to porn btw).

    Sorry for all the Smiths references, but that may be the only band we have in common?!?

    Good night, you kook.
    Aug 28, 2006