Thursday, 5 August 2010

BEDA - Day Five - Time

"It's hard to say when you are playing with time, Miss Hill" - J.S.

It is very easy to play with Time online. The problem is forgetting when you played with it.

Oh, and thanks to the smart ass who posted this,

Anonymous Tumblr said...

We'll get right on that for ya Caitlin.
I mean hell, writing a few lines of code to completely change the interface of world wide website is the least we can do to appease someone who has done so much to advance the knowledge of bending time and space. We are truly humbled and welcome any further changes you require. When you return from the past perhaps you can bring Albert Einstein because you have obviously been having lunch with him or something.This idea is just to brilliant!

August 15, 2010 11:27 PM

Anonymous Albert Einstein said...

Actually, Caitlin and I will return soon, the tumblr "ask" button as inspired my next work. Caitlin will be helping me develop my new "Theory of irrelvantivity."

I really hope this isn't from someone from Tumblr, because one, I wasn't dissing the site in anyway, and two, I wasn't expecting anyone to see my thoughts and then go and change the whole site. If I expected that I would have been an asshole and posted it on Tumblr.

It's not like I'm bitching about a few users posting too many answers, other people have expressed interest in a filter. Do they expect it from Tumblr? No, well, at least the ones I talk to do not expect an immediate or drastic change, or any change at all.

I also don't like the idea that someone from Tumblr would write with bad grammar, this goes for Albert Einstein, too.

Back to Time, I've been having trouble with it lately. I've been messing with it, yes, but I'm also having trouble keeping up with it. My schedule, or at least, an appropriate schedule to live by (since I don't think I've ever had one) is in complete disarray, and I am completely falling behind on keeping up with day-to-day life. This includes, sleep, clean clothes, work, social life, etc.

I'm in such a bad place right now. I am unhappy with my living situation, I'm almost always broke or about to be broke or am just not doing anything with money so that I don't become broke (this means I am not taking classes for any of the interests that would make me happy) and I hate, hate, hate my work. And I don't care who sees this. I love helping the people do exciting things, things that bring a smile to their face or give them a memory to hold on to, even if there is some bullshit that goes down from agency to client, etc, but other than personally enjoying the success of others, I hate sitting at my desk all day, I hate being so depresssed all the time so that I can barely get up in the morning because I don't want to sit at my desk all day, and I really don't think a trip to the therapist, some pills and acknowledging the fact that "lots of people do jobs they don't like" is going to improve anything.

For one thing, these people receive money steadily to do things they want to do OR they work shift work, meaning that they are done by 5pm and that's it, oh and they have hard-ass bosses who set deadlines for them, instead of leaving unhappy young adults to drown in the amount of work they have to do with the distractions of "the life they want" showing up every second in the form of buildings, people, films, books... Tumblr, even. :)

I love New York and all that I want is here but I don't have any freedom. Even when I do things right and am given freedom, the restrictions of my "key" to being here does not allow me to do anything about it. There is always school, yes, but I'm only just starting to figure out exactly what I want to study. It's taken so long because I keep getting so darn distracted by everything else.

Whine, whine, whine, whatever. I know that I have no real problems but I'd rather be struggling at what I love than struggling at what I hate.

So, what does this have to do with Time? I've just never seen it go so slowly and so quickly before. I've never felt the minutes slip away quite as much as I have over this past year. There have been some great developments in some parts of my life this year, but those few joyous nights or moments are greatly outweighed by days, frozen, watching the room glow from dark to light to dark again and hating every minute of it.


davidlefool said...

You made me think of a quote from Gravity's Rainbow:

"Temporal bandwidth" is the width of your present, your now. It is the familiar 'delta-t' considered as a dependent variable. The more you dwell in the past and in the future, the thicker your bandwidth, the more solid your persona. But the narrower your sense of Now, the more tenuous you are. (page 509)

In the book, the main character is said to "scatter" or "disintegrate" as a coherent entity, which is what I feel my personality has been doing lately. How much personality I had in the first place is open to debate of course.

EarleWidrich said...

About four years ago, I was having dinner at a friend's place and complaining about my job. I really hated it and I wasn't sure what to do. Change is tough and I can be fairly resistant to it. Anyway, my friend just turned to me and said "Well, you know what you have to do, then." Just that simple statement got me on a better path. And about three months later I was here at Deluxe Post Production doing what I love to do.

So if you are truly hating your job, then well, you know what you have to do. I mean I literally have half your talent and charm (if I'm lucky), so if I can do it, so can you. And I guarantee that if you focus on the changes that you want to make to improve your life, within about a year, you'll be much happier.

I certainly don't want to oversimplify things, because everyone's situation is unique, but this is advice that has been given to me over the years that has really rung true, and I hope you find value in it...'cause you know I care. : )


J.S said...

I hope I didn’t offend you or anything because of my post and if that’s the case, I didn’t mean to. I’m just a bit shocked that you quoted what I wrote. Maybe it’s because your reply sounds wise, it really does look like something you would read from a quote book or something. Some people call it.. hm. What’s that word again? Oh yeah, talent.

I can relate to what Earle wrote because one of my friends had a job that really made him depressed but if he had finished his apprenticeship he would have been starting to earn a lot of money but in the end money doesn’t matter. And I advised him to just do what he feels like, if you don’t like it do something else. He quit his job but he is still searching for what to do but he’s a lot happier and he does work for time to time. The thing is that some people don’t really know what they want to do in life but yet some do. I’m almost the same age as you but I still got no fucking clue what I want to be doing but I’m studying so that’s a start and I got an idea of what I , maybe, want to be doing. I’m not saying that you should quit your job or anything but if you really don’t like what you are doing at the moment, just try to break out of it. But maybe you're thinking that you will let people down. (As your attorney.. ;P) I advice you to talk to someone who knows you and really cares for you; it’s a lot easier to talk to friends about these things. And yes, I wish that I knew you but I don't see how that could possibly happen in real life but I can still dream (YAAAAY).

And that thing about time, I definitely know what you are talking about. I found out recently that my niece will be turning 5 years old in a few weeks and I almost freaked out. I would list time as one of my biggest enemies at the moment.

Chris in the Studio said...

I lol'd a lot at tumblr's and Albert's comments. :) I think I can say with 100% certainty that they were light hearted in nature and just playfully meant to bust your chops a little.
I suppose one can never be 100% certain of how someone will respond to that sort of thing when its received in text form because you don't have tone of voice/snarky smirks to accompany it. At 11pm, I've been guilty myself of getting quite upset with comments from people only to later around 3pm the next day think, why so serious Chris, lighten the fuck up. :)

In closing, this post has a tone of a tint of anger. Maybe that's a good thing. Channel the energy into drive and determination and "Git er done." You will.

Jer said...

Wow. So many posts at once. Very good posts too..especially the one about love. Was gunna comment later, cause I have to do something right now, but after reading this post... I just had to say something...=/

long story -> short -> my life a mess. hated my job. always distracted. by everything. ALOT. all the time. liers. cheaters. my own mistakes. just turned 40. so many opportunities wasted. time wasted. weird things happen. ENOUGH. saved money.left work,everything,everyone,myself

It was the best thing I have EVER done.

All I can say is to take no advice from anyone. Because you will realize 5 years later "WHY the FUCK was I doing that???!!@#!@"

...And then again revert back to the original Caitlin...

Dont even take GOOD advice.
Because it might be good for them but not for you and your life.
Learn everything the hard way. That way, you will realize that you are getting your ass kicked and you will learn to listen to yourself, your feelings and override the logic in your brain that says "This is how the world works"...

A year off work I went to a 2nd job interview today and they manager was like "you seem really confident about yourself"...I looked at him and said "yeah...yeah I am" with a little smile. They want me to start right away, but I'm hesitating because the 1st job interview will probably hire me with more pay.

You're young and havent wasted your life like what Im saying probably makes no sense to you or others. but really... Fuck everyone Caitlin. Once you start to fix things in your own will realize you will then be able to unfuck everyone and start spending time with them again and actually help them or do whatever things you always wanted to do.

But here's the problem. I dont actually want you to do this. Its better for you to make the mistake and learn it yourself. Because honestly, the LAST thing I want to do is to give advice. I dont even want you to think about it =PP sorry for the long comment i didnt even want to type it but Im a sucker for a cry for help...

Anyways....Wish you luck

End of serious reply. I will now once again continue to make irrelevant, improper and embarrassing comments just to annoy you.


emilyw said...

Yeah, you don't need a therapist to tell you what you already know you want and are going to do..

But, though I know you'll probably never take me up on this, If you do need someone to talk to about anything who can give better advice and answers then any therapist, all you have to do is message or text me.. Don't forget that, okay?

Wow, look I said something to you where I was 'mean'. Did I just blow your mind? :P haha

Simon said...

There is good advice here already and I would say that we are all on a similar endless swerving path of choices.

The only thing I can confirm so far is that the regret of what you didn't do burns longer than the momentary pain of doing something that did not work out.

Many of my failures have actually been oddly helpful in future challenges and were ultimately a good thing.

Waiting for other people to validate your interests and goals is a loooooooooooooong wait. So if you are lucky enough to know what you want to do next, don't hesitate to get it started.

Don't write the list, do the list.

Simon - who needs to heed his own advice

ADB said...

Hehe... I have always found that there isn't enough time for everything I would like to do.
Between work and sleep, I want to try to squeeze in programming, playing videogames, watching DVD's and learning new stuff (e.g. trigonometry, 3D vectors, mastering assembly coding, learning more about electronics, latin...).
It's a bit like my CD & DVD collection. Due to money being a bit tight there is no way I can get all the CD's and DVD's I want... so I have to pick and choose carefully. The same is true with life... you have to put some things on the back-burner and concentrate on a few good things that you can do well and be proud of. Otherwise you'll end up spreading yourself too thinly and wearing yourself out.

Anonymous said...

What kind of job did you have? Sorry to comment on this now, but i have just found your blog and love your style of writing.