The following blog has been reposted to my current blog to rid myself of multiple profiles and to also preserve the Idiot that was my 16 year old self.
EDIT 10/05/10: I really don't think this blog is about my true feelings. I don't remember caring for Big Brother in 2005 and I don't believe I would be bothered with it, I also was allowed to listen and watch almost whatever I wanted, so- I don't think I would have lied about it. I think I'm just writing a silly story from a stream of consciousness. We can all agree that I was clearly emoting. However, the suicidal notes are fiction. Though I have experienced some dark times, as have every teenager, during high school, I never once fantasized about ending my life during high school.
So please read on, if you wish, with the word "fiction" in mind.
The Secret Thought:
(Do you watch Big Brother?
Uh, yeah. It's so funny.
Did you see last nights episode?
It's not fair. I hate pretending all the time. I hate lying. I have no idea what they're talking about. I'm not allowed to watch TV or listen to music or do anything that might "corrupt my mind".
But can't my parents understand that it all isn't helping me?
I just feel so lost. So empty. So pressured to be perfect at everything. But I'm not perfect. I have bad thoughts. I'm not a good person.
Why am I even thinking about this? I'm not going to fix it so I might as well just let them control my life or just lay down and die.
That'd make them feel guilty. But I bet even they wouldnt miss me. They'd never understand and probably don't even like me. Im not needed or missed by anyone so why hold on to anything?
What if I ended it at school? Then nobody would forget me and they'd all feel guilty.
(No, I missed last nights episode, what happened?)
By The Incredible Blob And Giant Crumpled Waste Paper Basket!