The Secret

The following blog has been reposted to my current blog to rid myself of multiple profiles and to also preserve the Idiot that was my 16 year old self.

EDIT 10/05/10: I really don't think this blog is about my true feelings. I don't remember caring for Big Brother in 2005 and I don't believe I would be bothered with it, I also was allowed to listen and watch almost whatever I wanted, so- I don't think I would have lied about it. I think I'm just writing a silly story from a stream of consciousness. We can all agree that I was clearly emoting. However, the suicidal notes are fiction. Though I have experienced some dark times, as have every teenager, during high school, I never once fantasized about ending my life during high school.

So please read on, if you wish, with the word "fiction" in mind.

The Secret Thought:

(Do you watch Big Brother?

Uh, yeah. It's so funny.

Did you see last nights episode?

Umm...)

It's not fair. I hate pretending all the time. I hate lying. I have no idea what they're talking about. I'm not allowed to watch TV or listen to music or do anything that might "corrupt my mind".

But can't my parents understand that it all isn't helping me?

I just feel so lost. So empty. So pressured to be perfect at everything. But I'm not perfect. I have bad thoughts. I'm not a good person.

Why am I even thinking about this? I'm not going to fix it so I might as well just let them control my life or just lay down and die.

That'd make them feel guilty. But I bet even they wouldnt miss me. They'd never understand and probably don't even like me. Im not needed or missed by anyone so why hold on to anything?

What if I ended it at school? Then nobody would forget me and they'd all feel guilty.

(No, I missed last nights episode, what happened?)

By The Incredible Blob And Giant Crumpled Waste Paper Basket!

Latro!

A Long Time

The following blog has been reposted to my current blog to rid myself of multiple profiles and to also preserve the Idiot that was my 16 year old self.

Well...Welcome to my brand new look...

EDIT 10/05/10: I had changed my pretty purple page to black and orange because I was sad. Wah-wah.

Some may not like it...to those people I say: SCREW YOU!

It's just a tribute to my love for The Nightmare Before Christmas, and how I'm feeling at this point of time.

I dont know about you, but I thought a Blog entitled Neverland - A Place That Lies In All Our Hearts and the pretty purple and yellow background were inappropriate for all my blogs that contain ranting and raving and swearing...it just doesnt fit.

Man, I should be doing my Drama assignment, meh, school doesnt bother me right now...even though, the assignment is due on Monday...I walk on the wild side! I laugh in the face of danger, ha ha ha ha!

So yeah, welcome to: HalloweenLand, the tag: & 4 A Moment, Why, I Even Touched The Sky & @ Least I Left Some Stories To Tell... , is from the lyrics from Poor Jack in the actual movie...

It will change from time to time...like...I'll use Sally sometimes and This Is Halloween sometimes and the Finale Song sometimes and the What's This? song sometimes...whatever matches my mood...

Sally - when I like someone...

This Is Halloween - when I'm cheerful or when it is actually Halloween...

Finale Song - when I love someone or am with somebody...

What's This? - when I'm cheerful...

What I forgot to mention in my blog is that recently I recieved something that I havent recieved in a long time...

What I'm trying to say is that, you dont really realize how special things are until they are taken away from you, and how much you miss something when you get a little hint of it...

I am sure that I will be bound to Singalism for the rest of the year and maybe longer...but how will I cope? How will I control myself to not turn into some skanky ho at Schoolies or whatever? Or embarrass myself by throwing myself at any random guys feet for some attention and have them laugh or reject me (which is most likely what is bound to happen)?

If I'm missing the emotion of liking someone now, how will I feel in a few months time? Before School's over...before the years over?

I'll have to wait it out...remember Caitlin, your Ultimate Guy...puh, could be waiting for forever and a day...there's no point really...

Love from the Eatable Screw Driver And The Monster-Like Nap Sack.

Latro...

The Greatness Of Me

The following blog has been reposted to my current blog to rid myself of multiple profiles and to also preserve the Idiot that was my 16 year old self.

Firstly, I have no idea why I wanted to title this blog The Greatness Of Me...it just sounded good. I didnt actually enter into this Blog thing here, with the aim of talking about me, but knowing me so well, I'm sure I will anyway...

Secondly, I want to say a big cheery 'Hi!' - just, you know, friendly...shite...why am I such a frigging idiot? Oh look at that, not even a hundred words in and I'm talking about myself...Well Done, Caitlin...Well Done! But no, but yeah, "Hi Hygs Joker!" Now this dude, is so frigging awesome...and oh my gosh, you have no idea how much I just wanted to say f***ing instead of frigging, thats how awesome this guy is that he needs a good hearty f*** before awesome, oh yeah! Now I hardly know this dude, but man is his blog one of the most awesome, funniest, intellectual things that you will read on the internet...not like this blog, which contains me rambling on about crap all, I mean he rambles as well, but his stuff has meaning, substance, I've never ever met a dude who...

1: Does drugs... EDIT 10/04/10: Oh yeah, Caitlin. He sounds really awesome. Yup. Good judgement there.

2: Skates or at least likes it, I've seen his pictures...

3: Has crap going on his life...

4: Is extremely funny and sarcastic...

5: And also really intelligent...

6: And dont forget the fact this guy isnt ugh looking, oh no...

Now, Hygs, don't worry...I'm not cracking on to you...oh geez, I'm not THAT desperate that I'd start trying to crack on to some internet dude...so yeah, don't freak out, I'm just rating you and telling everyone else how cool you are...hope you don't mind.

Oh and before I forget...

7: If you make him mad, he'll break your arm! Kidding, he didn't mean it...but...that's kind of cool.

Anyway so, basically what I am trying to say is that this guy is one cooll dude, and you should all pay his blog a visit and come out a little wiser and a little lighter! Or some kind of intellectually witty remark, that should be inserted right here but wont be because I'm not the one with the wit...alright? I come with sarcasm and randomness - fully loaded!

So, this week sucked...and I mean, seriously... the weird thing is, is that I dont really know why, I guess I just found everything within it to be completely dissatisfying. You know, like the best part of the week was, not going to school on Monday (but even then I felt like I was missing out on something), not going to school on Friday to finish that darn maths assignment, that I only figured out how to do on Wednesday...and I mean, what is with that...why did my brain do that me? Why does it have to wait til the friggin last second...do you get some kind of strange kick out of it, Brain? Huh? Do ya? Yeah well eat this: *skolls back some vodka*. Now obviously I have no Vodka, because anyone knows me will know that I cant skoll for shite! And I cant swallow tablets either! FRIGGIN THROAT & FEAR OF CHOKING!!! And also, me drink? "That's unpossible" ...LOL...not really, more like, Me? Afford drink? That's unpossible. *Please note that I am not so stupid that I dont know how to spell impossible, I do...and quite well too...((Like what the fudge!? How the hell can I spell impossible well-er than anyone else? Honestly, I should be on drugs...or something, I do certainly act stupid...man, why am I beating myself up today? Is it some ,kkind of hidden self loathing? Am I suicidal and abusive deep down inside? Like, c'mon...psychological side of the brain - get the f*** together! Wow...I must be cranky...and I wonder why, I had a good day, I got soooo much stuff...AND...drum roll, please...A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS BAG!!! Oh geez, it is so incredibly awesome...that it is now my official school bag! Oh how I love it so...I only need like the other 25 bags and I'll be set...oh, why oh why do I have such a strong love for The Jack Skellington?

...

And anyway...yeah, did you like...it's like I left my random rant right up in the air, and there it will stay til I call it down...and can you believe that right now my Media Player is playing 'These Days' by Bardot...do you remeber Bardot? The first manufactured reality TV show production? Oh yeah, they're playing...and I feel incredibly 2000.

EDIT 10/04/10: This blog is embarrassing and it only gets worse. Are you ready? Because here comes the teenager using swear words for the first time! Wooo. Exciting!

So yeah, then on Friday, I went to Frogs where I enjoyed emotional abuse from almost everyone there in a 'jokey' and 'non-jokey' way...c'mon guys, just because I cant shuffle cards...get a frigging life and some...FINE I'LL SAY IT...FUCKING PATIENCE! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!!!! I dont deserve to be called fucking stupid all the fucking time. Sometimes when playing a game I can get a little confused and yes damn right air-headed....but I'm smarter than that! I'm better than that! I hate feeling like a fucking idiot by all of you! You make me feel like fucking shit! Oh fuck, now you've made me swear....

*Sigh* I dont know if i feel better yet...apart from making me feel released of anger, all I feel now is fucking repressed in the head...man I could so do some booze right now... EDIT 10/05/10: I'm so embarrassed. just chug it all back and forget who the fuck I am...

Can you believe it? I'm now reading back what I said with my hands covering my mouth, like in horror...man, I wonder if anyone will read this far...oh they should, then they'll see a side of airy-head Caitlin that they've never fucking seen before....oooh, that feels good...people ask me, at school, if I'm on drugs, just because I'm happy all the time...happy? Yeah, I am happy...and I love life, friends, family and the Lord and all that comes with it, but sometimes...when you're sitting all alone in dark with only your grandparents up stairs and all your friends out and a whole lot of built up anger you can kind of explode...they are just lucky that I get it all out before I see them...oooh, then they'd be in trouble. Why are you happy all the time? I'll tell you why! BAM! Right in the balls!

...No, a kick to the balls wouldnt solve anything...

EDIT 10/05/10: A ready for a sudden mood wing? Bam.

You know what else I realised today? I love my Gran! Not just because she has bought me wonderful stuff, but she loves me! She cares about me, I mean all my family do, but i never have seemed to of shown Gran the same kind of affection as I have for most of the other members of my family...and she deserves it, she really does, I mean...half ot the things I own are from her...and sometimes I feel like all I get out of seeing her is more stuff...how fudging selfish am I?

I am such a bad person.

Such a selfish being.

So totally revolved around myself.

Me. Me. Me...why can't I for once just...care, just...be a good, and I mean a purely good person...with no other evil intent lying under the good deed, no dark thoughts underneath a thought of a friend...no swearing, no hating, no yelling, no...not...me.

I found myself today. I found who I am, and I bought the clothes to match it...but what I didnt buy was the darker side of me...and those clothes would be black, brown, red, and some kind of disgusting green colour...hm, kind of makes me laugh when I read this back...this isn't the deep me? Is it...I sound like a joke, a whiny little bitch. No wonder people find me bloody annoying - listen to me rabbit on about...me and oh, I am such a bad person...

Caitlin, if it upsets you, fix it or get the fuck over it!

Final words: I love my Gran and my Mum and my Dad very much. My Bro too.

Sometimes you just have to accept what and who you are and why you do the things you do...when you accept them, try to understand them, and ask for forgiveness...God knows we are weak and will continually make mistakes, but he loves us still. Fear him. I know I do...I'm sorry...

Love from the Big Black Jet Plane And The Apple-Sized Armpit.

Latro...

Comments (1)

HYGS_Joker - 30 July, 2005 - Delete

gmme ur frigen msn,, this talking over blogs is gettin to piss me off

I Have Awesome Photos!!!

The following blog has been reposted to my current blog to rid myself of multiple profiles and to also preserve the Idiot that was my 16 year old self.

I am sure I am the only one who has these photos so far!!!

What does that mean?

It means I rock!!!

Right On!!!

Here are the awesomest photos of the little olde theatre!!!

(BTW, Where are you Emily? I hope you are feeling better! Come back to school soon! I need you here for choreo and all that! Oh and Alex, thanks for the comment...like, I know it...but yeah, did you go to school on Monday? I didn't. I just couldnt get out of bed! LOL...gotta love it! I am also really worried about our play...and everything! We're going to have to get cracking on the weekend! Latro!)

The Pictures!

Ah, Peter Pan - those were the days when we were young...(argh! Horrible Human Nature flash back! But I love HN - Who doesnt? LoL) These photos make the show look awesome!

And X-Stacy...ah, other good times. That was a great show wasnt it?

Anyway, I got all these photos from Phoenix Ensembles new website! I'll post the addy another time! But it's kind of awesome!

Anyway, Love to You All!

Love The Incredible Itch and The Great Pink Vest.

xoxo

Comments (3)

HYGS_Joker - 28 July, 2005 - Delete

umm,, drugs?? not recently,, y? and yes u r

HYGS_Joker - 29 July, 2005 - Delete

thats y i sed not recently...but nehow.. wens ur nxt blog cumin along?

HYGS_Joker - 30 July, 2005 - Delete

thats the longest blog sumone wrote on my site...ur a very strange lil girl...:P

The Secret Garden & All The Lovely Pansies!

The following blog has been reposted to my current blog to rid myself of multiple profiles and to also preserve the Idiot that was my 16 year old self.

YO!!! Well, that week was a pretty big waste of time...apart from the Mortified stuff...man, I kind of got in trouble for leaving the call backs for Secret Garden...people thought I was annoyed that I didnt get the part of Mary...and that's why I left the Call Backs...NO!!! And, like...as if! I so could tell by my disgusting audition that I wasn't going to get the part...I didnt need a friggin crystal ball or anything...and when I did get to Call Backs, I just got scared and realised that I couldnt be in the show and ran away...I'm not full of myself! Nuh uh!

So, yeah...things at the theatre were quite tense for a while there...and I was really, really worried...that the rest of my time at theatre would be crap. But the launch of the BRAND NEW PHOENIX ENSEMBLE THEATRE COMPANY thing was on tonight, soon to be last night...and it was fun, but boring for us dancers, cuz we had to wait for ages til we go to dance! And I messed up my turn! ARGH!!! But afterwards The Tracey called me over and asked me what I was doing with Secret Garden...and I explained all the stuff to her, and she seemed to understand and she seemed not to hate me...I don't mind if she really does, just as long as she's friendly to my face... ...I don't really want to be on Tracey's bad side, I really hope that I will never again or never will...

But yeah, so that made things cool. AND, I decided I will audition for 2 shows next year...Charlie Brown and The Crucible! Oh man, the Charlie Brown musical would be so funny...and The Crucible would be such an enjoyable challenge! Oh, I'd really love a part that I could really throw myself into! Ohhh...honestly it gets me really excited!!! I would love to play either Mary or Abigail EDIT 10/04/10: I landed the part of Mary Warren, which I cherished. I enjoyed performing in that play so much. Mary Warren is a role I could see myself being comfortable with playing day in and day out but let's not get ahead of ourselves, Caitlin, hmm? ...and this time because I'm not in school or anything, I'll be happy to accept a role as chorus or whatever if I dont get the parts I want...oh, I hope that I get in and do well and a lot of friends do it with me so I can have fun.

Grants Party was good...though afterwards Frog now thinks I'm turning slightly lesbianish...I dont think I am...I just think its funny to freak people out...I do yearn for the male...well not now, but when the time comes I do...heehee...ah, comes...

Yeah, it was a great night...full of closeness...and though I felt kind of lonely, I had fun with everyone and had an overall good time so the loneliness didnt really upset me or get to me...so thats good...man, writing this with Moulin Rouge playing its sweet and upsetting songs doesn't really help the whole I dont mind feeling lonely thing...especially when it gets to the line....the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return...sigh...

Tomorrow Sarah, Emily and I are going to Alex's house to work on our play...it sucks that Sarah has to leave early, but there you go...hopefully we'll still get a lot done...I do doubt it however...but either way it should be really fun!

I just changed the original title of this blog...just to avoid anyone with authority seeing it and taking what it said the wrong way...this new title is much more politically correct...how? I don't know. (Said Homer Simpsons style)

Also, I found my hairstyle for the formal!!! I so dont really care, but do at the same time! It's the same hair style Sophie Monk has in Bardots video clip for Poison...and I cant believe I know Bardot so well, even NOW! And yeah, it's a really cool hairstyle...but I would have less spikes. EDIT 10/04/10: I did not have this hairstyle for the formal. Good Witch and Old Ma better get started making it or things are gonna start getting hectic... EDIT 10/04/10: Wow, Caitlin. I'm sure you're just being harmlessly flippant, but you still sound like an arrogant arsehole here. I guess it'll be up to me to come to and say: FITTING! NOW! ah, the woes of being me - please note...i AM being sarcastic...If i do have woes they're not even worth woe-ing about. EDIT 10/04/10: Oh, so you weren't being sarcastic at being a pushy bitch, but you were about having a really loving family you are paying for your formal dress. Wow. If I could hit you.

Anyway, tis late...and I need to do other things...also...I have really sensitive teeth at the mo' and it really sucks! Like eating is like a chore, a really painful chore! Not sure, if I'm appreciating the whole normal week of school coming up...quite depressing actually...but you know, I'll live...hopefully! lol...sigh...

Guten Tag and Adieu!

Love Always - The Crazy Catfish and Her Hippo-Nut Baby Eater!

P.S: I have to say it's weird not having anyone to like...liking people makes life so much easier! But then again, no. I leave you with the Ultimate Couple! And my future husband! Anybody out there who shares the same qualities of Seth from the O.C, Christian (Ewan McGregor) from Moulin Rouge, and Noah from The Notebook...then please let me know! You are my Ultimate Man! Well, at least for now!

I Am So Uncool...why aren't you suprised?

The following blog has been reposted to my current blog to rid myself of multiple profiles and to also preserve the Idiot that was my 16 year old self.

I am so not cool...like, I got teased today about my socks! My socks man, I've only ever seen someone at 13 get teased for their socks...I'm only wearing them because they keep my legs warm. But they do fall down and I look silly...and despite SO many people mocking my socks I still wear them. I think I like to outcast my socks and I...makes me feel a little bit different from everyone else. Why? Because I have lame socks. But I still really like them! I'm not really trying to make a daggy-sock statement, I'm trying to keep my feet warm. Honestly...that is my main motive when I reach for the sock drawer "I need socks that will keep my feet warm...I know! My long white ones." I dont go searching through socks thinking "Hmm, what sock will get me the most criticism today?" I'm not desperate for attention...well, not THAT desperate.

Anyway I finished the 6th Harry Potter book on Sunday and it was good, yet extremely sad. Heres to Dumbledore: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Your character will soar above the rest forever and ever...

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

*Sigh* So I returned to school quite depressed and when my Good Witch texted me saying: Extra Work 4 Mortified TV Show 2morrow, I grew even more depressed because I thought I'd have to miss out for QCS practise...but Formal Date convinced me to go and do it, because it's what I want to do with my life.

And man, am I so glad I did! I spent all the day freezing from wearing summer clothes in a cold mall, BUT, I got to pretend to shop most of the day, eat fabulous food, watch the amazing tech people do their stuff - honestly, it's like magic watching them go to work. It definitely is some form of art...nah, it IS MAGIC!!! Yeah, it was just a fabulouS fun-filled day and I wouldnt mind in the slightest if I got to do it again and again and again...*sighing dreamily*

Anyway so I returned for QCS practise 2 today and did okay, and my socks got insulted and ate lovely pastries for lunch, and now I am home. I got my key card and so tomorrow I'll probably go for my LEARNERS!!! Woo, and about time too. And then one day I'll be able to drive all my home girls to cool places and be FREE and INDEPENDENT...and hopefully not arrested and killed...because that can happen, but Good Witch says: "As long as you're aware of what it can do, and know that you are in control the whole time, you'll be okay." Unless something really freaky happens and you cant help the worst...

Anyway I love all my dear ones, especially the Good Witch.

And I love the Film & Television Industry!!! Oh yes, indeedy!

Love Always,

Munchkaloo!

BTW, here some pictures of me mainly making a fool of myself and appearing like a geek/nerd...and then there is my geek/nerd soul mate: Seth, who I realise I am slowly becoming, what with my love for layering and all, my lonerness, and my oddness of talking to 2 elderly men on the set of Mortified yesterday, while there were lots of kiddies still around, im slowly molding myself to my own suitability...this is a hazard, but an enjoyable one ...and then theres just more randomness that makes me more of a loser - and i'm dog gone proud of it! Darn tootin'...there is also famous ppl who played Losers (Who Were Still Cool!)

Tata...

Comments (2)

__Alliwalli__ - 20 July, 2005 - Delete

Caity i think you're the coolest of cools, in fact i am going to go as far as stating that you even epitomise the meaning of cool. Really. You're awesome! Like you're the Happy in a Happy Meal! You're always ready to smile and make me smile in accordance; i find you to be a very postive person and you have so much going for you! You're so talented and beautiful and generous and dedicated, PLUS you're an amazing friend who i know would always be tehre if i ever needed you. Know that im so proud of you beautiful and that i believe in you always! Its great that you're taking school so seriously this semester too, keep it up coz you'll reap the rewards. But anyhoo, i just wanted to shout out that you're are super duper cool person, even if no one likes your socks, im sure they're not THAT bad, i mean come on, at least youd get to CHOOSE your socks for school! Not like crappy mc crap rivermount - we have SCHOOL socks! SO gay! But really, i think you're an awesome person and i value YOU and our friendship so so much. I love you Caity! Keep on smiling and reaching for those stars!! See ya 2moro nite! Alex Xoxo

HYGS_Joker - 23 July, 2005 - Delete

cute pics.. only individual rnt ya?