Well, December 22nd rolled around at what did I do? Did I go to the QPAC at 10am with all the other eager classical music enthusiasts or did I take a Skype meeting and then travel up to the Hyperdome to meet some friends I've known since Primary School?
I did the latter. I am glad that I did because I had a great time with them, laughing at old memories and swapping new stories, but I really wish I had at least gone to the symphony and then down to meet my friends. They didn't clash with the once-in-a-lifetime piece, the meeting did. I'm glad I took the meeting, but I should have remembered and pushed it back to TODAY not Wednesday.
Ah, regret. Regret and guilt. You are such familiar feelings. The ticket money gone to waste. The music left unheard. I still keep messing up. Will it ever stop?
All I do is let myself down. I make myself sad. Why do I keep punishing myself when it only leads to more punishment.
On Sunday it rained and we curled up, cold, inside for most of the day.
On Monday it was sunny and hot and I ventured to beaches with Dad. It was beautiful. I had fish and chips and couldn't keep my eyes open by the afternoon.
Tuesday was long-distance calls, delays, and pangs of loneliness in the night. I light my little nightlight every night. To forget to do so would be to let go of every thing way to soon.
Wednesday. Wednesday should have been music and friends.
Thursday should have been a meeting and then shopping.
The two things that matter in life and then the two things that ultimately don't.
Regret. Guilt. My old friends.
5 comments:
My dad says regret is a useless emotion. I kind of see his point, bt you can't really lose it on demand, can you? Anyway, hope everything else is well.
Damn Girl, you really blew it! :)
(just providing some perspective) lol
Ahh hindsight. Do you ever wonder how much simpler life might be without hindsight? Despite its benefits, hindsight often brings regret. Regret for things that you have done or, perhaps worse, regret for something you should have done. Missed opportunities that you think would have made your life better, would have led to more happiness, would have got you closer to the life you want to live.
If I let myself, I could let regret dominate my thoughts.
I used to have a plan of what I wanted to do with my life; the plan kinda failed. Now I don't know what I want to do or where I want to be and I sure as hell don't know how to get there. I compare myself to my friends and my siblings, many of whom are married; have families, their own house or successful career; or are doing something they love. I feel overwhelmed by my lack of ability to get anywhere.
But the only way I can move forward is to learn from the past, start each day positively with no regrets, try to ignore how fast time is flying by, have some fun, keep learning and hopefully discover what I should be doing.
Fingers crossed.
Caitlin,
Ever since you have left us, I have started going through all your old posts very, very slowly. I hope you don't mind and feel free to delete whatever you like, it's not your fault I don't have my own blog. There used to be this quality in people when I was a kid where, within thirty seconds of meeting them, I'd develop a gut feeling they were a kindred mind. I don't get this often anymore, despite meeting people much more rapidly these days. There's what I regret, I guess.
I had 21 years of near continuous education, two degrees from harvard and when it was over my first thought - my God - my time for receiving is over, and my time for giving back has just begun. I should have been ecstatic - I was, kind of. But going to harvard in itself isn't anything to be proud of. It's more, well, I damn better be sure it was worth something. And the older I get the more frequently I question myself about this. Even with this little comment. I don't really understand what you did on 23 December 2010. There is so much hidden in this post, in almost all your posts, it's almost impossible to really respond to them. Lucky are the few who have been gifted a situation wherein the giving is the receiving (and not just receiving something in return).
But as much as I beat myself up about not being useful enough, about using guilt as an excuse for inaction, feeling guilty about feeling guilty, etc - I also know the more I do this the less I will care about anything. I saw your cooking video today. You should boil that stuff not fry it. And as soon as it was over, my subconscious said to me, wow, you really do not want to be depressed thinking about East Africans for a week, and so I was like but what about Americares and what about a little due diligence and Frezned's video claims a little help without long range planning can actually be really harmful, and what about global warming and so on, and as usual I do nothing.
Well, my gut today tells me I am hungry and that you have found or are finding something happier than advertising and interneting to thousands of fans. You may not tell me, but whatever it is, I take comfort in it.
Oh, your company - I read about that. It might not be a blast to execute, but it sure sounds like one hell of a smart idea. How close are your closest competitors?
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