Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Grace, Inaction, Print and Four Pirogi's, Fried

The red numbers on the computer screen depressed me to the point of immobility, not that it's hard for me to not do anything or stay still, why it seems that it's my ultimate past time in this city, but my doubt in action bringing change kept me upright on my vanity stool.

Little moans and whines escaped me and drifted through the bedroom door, but my neighbour, Brooke, preoccupied with Germany and getting to it, did not react. I did not expect her too, nor did I want any sympathy, since when she see's red I am impatient and offer blunt advice, however that didn't stop the whines coming out anyway.

I lingered mostly in my bedroom, said goodbye to Brooke who was leaving about 3 or 4 hours early for her flight, and went back to being still, not asleep, just still.

Eventually, after 2 episodes of Glee had been watched and a sufficient amount of guilt had built up, I got ready, sucked up the queasy feeling that has been following me for some time (don't even say it, it's more emotional than physical) and headed to work... At four in the afternoon.

The walk was long and hot and I was dressed for Fall not the last breaths of Summer, my t-shirt was tight and made me feel self-conscious. I like wearing it, I just always feel self-conscious while wearing "statement" t-shirts.

I saw Jake leave the office in his black leather jacket and cigarette in hand, stalking through the crowd to his many things he has to do to be responsible and awesome. I like watching people I know from far away. It's like watching celebrities or theatre. They are often in your life, but at this moment, you are nothing but matter to them. I like that feeling. The world feels wider.

Work... Or The Desk I Sit At was okay. I went through emails and found myself once again on WhatTheBuck's channel page, I haven't been on one persons YouTube page so frequently since I up an got a boner for Natalie Tran. Don't worry, it's a distant boner. Very safe. A wee bit less creepy.

I also told David about my weekend which you can read about here (will link soon) and he told me about his; it involved praying and really good Mum-cooked food, the best kind. I'm hungry just thinking about it.

I alerted Molly during our pre-show phone call that I was wearing her gift tee "Internet Enthusiast" not in an attempt to frighten her but as the last clean tee I could wear. I liked what I was wearing and everything else was in messy piles or needed washing and v-neck tees aren't doing it for me at the moment. Molly thanked me for making her gift-tee a last resort and said she'd take a photo of it, but she didn't have a camera. I suggested she burn it into her retina... and then I went to pee.

I was a few minutes early than the time we said we'd meet which is always a victory for me. My feet were hurting so I left earlier so that I could walk slower. It was an interesting walk, a path I don't often take in that direction, however the many people walking the same way as me made me uncomfortable.

I greeted Molly and Luke and we went in, I had packed this shortbread from England that my Mum had sent me and a Sprite from the office fridge, and Molly had already bought me a diet Coke and Luke bought popcorn so we were doing very well.

Only once while watching the film, The September Issue, did I feel weird for eating so much while watching thin women dominate the world and even thinner women make it look good. Then a particularly charming model bit into what looked like some kind of chocolate and berry tart or pie, and I grabbed another handful of popcorn.

I've decided to never again review movies in my usual way of a few adjectives strung together. In public lately, unless moved by others to speak aka blatantly throwing my opinion on their unprotected ears, I have taken to saying even less; this film was: "Interesting" and the last film I saw, Paper Heart, was "Nice".

So next time I mention a film I'll try to discuss it in different ways. Look out for

The cinema at the Sunshine was more crowded than I thought it would be and a woman behind us started coughing in short bursts just as the film began. I am usually okay with noise in the theatre but the person in question was silent for the trailers and just seemed to start when the film did and was also right above me; It made me feel icky. I didn't do anything about it, though I did find my head instinctively whip to the side on one particular cough and I didn't want to look like that jerk that jerks their head around to somehow protest the noise, so I made my head whip to the other side so the woman didn't think I was trying to make a statement with my head. Then Luke coughed and I whispered loudly without thinking, " Don't you fucking start," ...I have very little grace.

Grace Coddington however, is amazing. Her ideas made me want to go online and buy the old September Issue in question and I was left with more respect for the whole creative side of fashion. I did understand, as much as an ignorant girl can, Anna Wintour's choices of what shouldn't appear in the issue, but seeing such lavish photos so neatly chopped without so much as a lament made me realize how tough a woman has to be in a fairly easy world. I mean, heck, (I said heck!) these women aren't explorer's or doctor's or activists but so good at Distraction. It's not a good thing either, but I think this race needs it for now.

Afterward we walked up to Veselka and Molly and I had pirogi's, which were good... "Not that I know what a good pirogi tastes like," says Luke.

A sucker for the power of suggestion, I went by the stuffed news agency on Avenue A and picked up two Vogue's and a New Yorker magazine, a publication I knew I would always enjoy and I did, I like the writers styles, the cartoons and the first few pages are already covered in red circles and underlines.

A new roommate comes today to replace Brooke, I have a lot to do to make room for her, I have been very messy this month.

I need to play Pretend again. That's the only way I can fool myself into thinking that even having so many possessions is a good thing.

*image used without permission from this awesome person*


Anonymous said...

Holy crap, reading that made me feel depressed for you and has me never wanting to ever live in NYC (not that i ever wanted to). Like the city is a glitter globe. It's great to look at but if you live inside it you'll end up drowning in the "glitter". Maybe you didn't mean for it to come across like you did though.

It sounds like NYC is ripping out your soul. The city certainly has claimed a mass amount of Americans and so-called "emigrants" alike and enslaved them into redundancy. Don't join them.

Chris in the Studio said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris in the Studio said...

(with spelling corrections)

I think upon reading this latest post I've found a new favorite characteristic of yours not withstanding the fact that an ordinary day can be written about in a fashion that grips the reader. No, yes, that would be the fact that you have managed to convince your superiors that gracefully sauntering into work at 4pm is an acceptable form of behavior. This alone should mark a victory for you that should cover your metaphysical karma with gleeful thoughts of glory that I would hope will get you threw at least the next couple of days. :D

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

There there. Could be worse, could be unemployed. I got fired once after 4 hours... and it was a 5 hour shift. Comments included "watching you makes me tired" and "try applying for Hungry Jacks or McDonald's."

Guess who would rather employ 3 Asian girls who barely speak english instead of me? Yeah :P

You write incredibly well. This blog is just events one after the other but it's a really interesting blog. Not a happy one but an interesting one.

Anyhoo, hope your queasy feeling leaves :) That food in the photo looks good.

Have a nice day.

Dizzknee said...

Cheer up, Caitlin. Try and figure out what's making you feel this way and then see what you can do to fix it. And remember that it doesn't need to be fixed in a day.

Baby steps.

I really hope it's not as bad as you make it out in your post, and if there's ANYTHING I can do, you let me know.

You're a wonderful girl, Caitlin. Whether you feel like it or not, there's no doubt in my mind that it's true.

-Earle : )

gen said...

yeah sounds like new york is getting to you,but everyone in the movie was thinking the same thing you were.Everyone loves having a friend you will say what they were thinking without first editing themselves.try and cheer up ,you are loved and held in high esteem ,OK it came from a fortune cookie but it seemed appropriate.

Brent said...

We share a few things in common like collecting magazines, books and vinyl records. I've stopped my 8-different-types-of-glossy-magazines-per-week haul, a few years ago, when I discovered the Internet and all the available information was up-to-date and free.

I still pick up a copy of "Rolling Stone" or "Maxim" though. It's dangerous to use a desktop computer in the bathroom. :)

Simon said...

Thank You for the update. I always enjoy your style of writing and point of view on things. I hope you do it more if it suits you.

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

I don't think my last comment was sincerely "Cheer up!" enough or at least didn't come off as that sort of thing.

You rock. You do, and though life can get you down some times it will always get better :) Life gets all of us down some times. Sounds like a cliche thing to say but things change sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the better and you'll get that better sooner or later. According to your newest vlogs you're looking quite thing, really good and healthy. Congratulations on turning 21 :) Maybe getting creative will cheer those blues away?

jmarbas said...

I dont sense depression...just numbness. It just rained outside here where i am, a sad story just happened to my roommate who I am helping out because of some debt he has, and he also had to move out today. As of today I no longer have the internet.

I walked to this cyber cafe in a sort of straight forward looking daze...thinking that since I stoped working last month I have not done anything I said I would do when I left work.

Anyways I think my comment is depressing ;P so Ill stop. So Im now going to take a little least thats a start... Thanks for the post =)

mg3! Viagens Universitárias said...

Hello how are you!? Well I found it very beautiful, was watching a video that you made, this one: and I asked me who it was you !?

What do you do in life? Student? Actress? Comedian? Something?

Oh sorry, as I was rude, let me introduce myself. My name is Michel Gomes, I am Brazilian, born and raised here.

I have 25 years, study management and construction and I own a travel agency ... rs nothing to do huh!?

Well, if you can get in touch and we keep contact will be really cool.

My contacts:
michel.gomes @
michel.gomes @




Ana Carolina Moreno said...

You are getting really really good at writing about mundane facts of life in extraordinary ways.