Friday, 20 March 2009

Internet People (Who Are You?) and Little Cat Lost

To skim through this blog quickly, only read the large text, the smaller text are unnecessary ramblings from your one and only...

Living 24-7 with Internet people with barely any other friends or contacts in a hyper-intense city can be fucking stressful, yo
.

I've been adding 'yo' to the end of a lot of my sentences lately, which reminds me, I must stop...yo. DAMMIT! So close to glory. It always alludes me.

I've been feeling very sulky and sad for the last couple of days because I've been sick and I hate being sick, and I am extremely into the bright-eyed world of Internet Consumption right now and dislike being pulled away from guzzling on the nozzle of my rusty tap of corrosive entertainment.

There is something about crap that I find so endearing. The fact that it was made. It's pungent innocence. I simply adore it. And when I must leave it for the real world aka work, I can not be motivated.

I am disappointed at the fact that I only seem to be able to do a job if I am completely content and inspired.

Today, for example, I did not wake up very happy.

Last night was dramatic in the household and nothing was achieved at all (thought it was nice to see Luke come back and fill his position as Head and Only Male of the House of the Internet), so I went to bed tired and sick and woke up to continuing disappointment.

The only way I could get my groove back was by turing on Pandora and side-stepping out to the Teen Pop stream. There is something about the Disney Teenyboppers, and Popular Music circa 2000-2004 that just gets me back in the right mood. The happy, inspiring, I can do anything mood.

You know what it is? It's a memory. When I was dancing around the house to popular music (and I listen to much more teenybopper music now than I did then) I was younger and excited about the future. Sometimes it was scary, but I knew (in my little, generic pre-real life kills your dreams heart) that I was destined to be something great. So I would dance around my room, my house or in dance class to the pop music of the time. I guess my memory has not yet forgotten the joyous sensations of body movement and performing. I really must get back into it before all is lost.

Ladies and Gentleman, if you can do me a favour and ask me if I've started going to dance class any time we speak, that would be most helpful. An e-punch in the face would also be most appreciated.

There really isn't much else needed to be said, I guess. I've got to take a leaf from Nike and 'just do it'.

I'm very happy with what I do at the moment, that's not a problem. It's about doing more. I did more as a 12 year old than I do now. I use to write and write, books of scripts - complete scripts - stories... I used to draw so much, and these days I would struggle to even compete with my 11 year old self at drawing a cartoon person.

I struggle so much with ideas and inspiration. It's almost like I can't go forward until I complete what I already started creating. I am worried that I am losing that inner-child or inner-cat that finds everything so fascinating and plays there way through life. I must win it back. I will.

It's just fear. When did I become so afraid? I use to bound down staircases as a toddler without holding onto the sides while my brother use to tip toe down them holding on the railings. When did I lose the sense of self-assurance? How can I get it back? When will I stop caring?

Honestly, people... I'm like, the human version of Radio. I'll just keep holding panels and talking about my problems instead of actually doing anything about it... over and over until my 'medium' dies out. Great.

That was depressing! Let's listen to Demi Lovato right fucking now!!!

13 comments:

Chris in the Studio said...

This reminds me of one of my first demos that I cut when I was somewhere around your age.I would always say I never wanted to take it to the record labels because I wanted it to be perfect... . Later in life when I stopped caring, and you will, I realized it was just fear of being rejected that prevented me from taking hold of my destiny. Now I look back and think about how much of a struggle things can be sometimes and am very glad that
I no longer give a shit, (I'm so eloquent)lol, because, and this should help motivate you a little,
"There is enough competition and forces working against you without you having to add to it.And you need all the positive reinforcement you can get to overcome those challenges." So as soon as you get out of your own way you may very well realize that you are your own worst nemesis. Your humbleness is one of your most attractive qualities so hang on to some of it and I don't think you have to worry to much about losing touch with your inner child. The world will always provide you with childish people like myself to keep you there as long as your willing to keep looking. Now get your stupit childish ass to dance class before it consumes you yo.(E punch delivered) :=)

xneverafter said...

I have become so immersed in the internet world as of late as well and I can slowly feeling is sucking away my initiative and push to work hard and do better. Perhaps it isn's such a healthy and wonderful thing afterall.... or maybe I simply lack the self control to balance my time.

james said...

In accordance with your efficient formatting for this posting, I have only read the larger text and will respond accordingly.

I think maybe you need to spend time with some relatively disconnected folks. Like volunteer at an old folks home, or hook up with some Amish people, yo.

Hopefully you are not addicted to the internets. Moderation and balance make for less stress and general wellness.

Going with the theme of balance, maybe you should partake in more activities that do not involve the internet. For example, I hear that taking dance classes can be quite enriching. Are you in any by chance?

Yes, I agree; you should “just do it”. Wait, what exactly are you going to do? Are you still talking about dance classes because the change in text size and new paragraph kind of threw me off? Regardless of what it is, I concur with your decision to do it.

You really did more as a 12 year old? I find that hard to believe. Quite.

Who the fuck is Demi Lovato? Does she approve of your use of foul language and multiple exclamation points?

Until next time, sparkly one.

-James

MntlWard said...

"Let's listen to Demi Lovato right fucking now!"

No!

Oh! Have you started going to dance class yet?

Candy said...

What's up...yo?

LOL! [:

Get well soon, Miss Caitlin.

'Love, Candy'
www.lovepearl4ever.blogspot.com

Brent said...

Wow! I used to do the exact same things when I was twelve too! I had an old portable manual typewriter and I would churn out unfinished and unseen short stories, movie scripts and novels. I also wanted to be a cartoonist and I would spend endless hours; drawing perfect blank squares that would remain empty, because the enthusiasm was there, but the story content wasn't.

Kudos for the "dislike being pulled away from guzzling on the nozzle of my rusty tap of corrosive entertainment." line - That was pure poetry!

James said...

Maybe it's not that you're less creative now. Maybe it's that you're too creative to allow the truly great ideas shine. Kind of like a giant toybox full of toys; they're all fun to play with, but having so many makes it that much harder to find the one you want to play with right now.

Well, here's hoping your toybox is never empty (figuratively and literally :P)

Faz said...

Nervous Breakdown?

I am said...

It killed me.

Adam said...

I know this is old but still i am new to your blog so i decided to read a bit over everything. When i am told to read only the bold text to skim, everyone knows i will read the small print too.

There is so much content here and so much thought.

First off i am sorry to hear you were sick and i am sure you have gotten over the sickness which is good, if you haven't go see a doctor.

I think the point about internet crap is that when you find something that you really connect with that not many people know about you really feel like you have some emotional ownership over it. that sense of ownership or achievement may be more satisfying to you that heading off to work.

I know that time is short and we are always busy but maybe we should appreciate the times when we achieve nothing and instead focus on ourselves for a whole day just enjoy your own company.

It is very easy to get into the mindset that you WERE more young and vibrant in your younger days but you are still very young. You are living in a very mature city and you may feel that everyone is walking with a purpose and you are lost among them all but walk in circles instead of straight lines and you will find your youth again. So if dancing is what does that for you i ask HAVE YOU STARTED DANCE CLASSES YET?

Your desire to do more is about living life on your own terms and not following the expectations of others to make money or to have nice things or to act a certain way. You never have been one to follow the grain and thats what so many people including myself love about you. You are still there, its obvious in the things you do. You just gotta see it for yourself.

Now throw on a smile and don't do anything i told you DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO. It is your life to live! Now go and live.

Daniel said...

Glory alludes (to) me too, usually for contrast...

TwoSocks said...

Why swear it only cheapens the conversations...imho...otherwise your very interesting to read :)

MntlWard said...

The words people think of as "profanity" are only words. the only reason people think they're "bad" is that they've been told all their lives that they're "bad."

Totals