The First Page...

page one., originally uploaded by hrrrthrrr.

The first page of a journal is often a disappointment for me. This lovely lady took a different approach for battling Page One jitters and created something great.

Sometimes, I'll look back through my journal and be disappointed. I'll wish that I had made more entries or drawn more or wrote more clearly, and sometimes I often find myself filling up the pages of my journal just so I can start a new one and start again.

I think that is why I enjoy stationery shops so much. There is so much hope within blank pages, and something magical about how it is all put together.

Maybe its ancient tree magic? Hmm... All I know is that a blank page can contain so much beauty, and I will hopefully spend my entire life aiming for that sweet satisfaction of a relieving journal entry or twinkle of pride for a good drawing... just little, simple things... perhaps with a veranda bathed in morning sunshine and nice cup of tea...

Internet People (Who Are You?) and Little Cat Lost

To skim through this blog quickly, only read the large text, the smaller text are unnecessary ramblings from your one and only...

Living 24-7 with Internet people with barely any other friends or contacts in a hyper-intense city can be fucking stressful, yo.

I've been adding 'yo' to the end of a lot of my sentences lately, which reminds me, I must stop...yo. DAMMIT! So close to glory. It always alludes me.

I've been feeling very sulky and sad for the last couple of days because I've been sick and I hate being sick, and I am extremely into the bright-eyed world of Internet Consumption right now and dislike being pulled away from guzzling on the nozzle of my rusty tap of corrosive entertainment.

There is something about crap that I find so endearing. The fact that it was made. It's pungent innocence. I simply adore it. And when I must leave it for the real world aka work, I can not be motivated.

I am disappointed at the fact that I only seem to be able to do a job if I am completely content and inspired.

Today, for example, I did not wake up very happy.

Last night was dramatic in the household and nothing was achieved at all (thought it was nice to see Luke come back and fill his position as Head and Only Male of the House of the Internet), so I went to bed tired and sick and woke up to continuing disappointment.

The only way I could get my groove back was by turing on Pandora and side-stepping out to the Teen Pop stream. There is something about the Disney Teenyboppers, and Popular Music circa 2000-2004 that just gets me back in the right mood. The happy, inspiring, I can do anything mood.

You know what it is? It's a memory. When I was dancing around the house to popular music (and I listen to much more teenybopper music now than I did then) I was younger and excited about the future. Sometimes it was scary, but I knew (in my little, generic pre-real life kills your dreams heart) that I was destined to be something great. So I would dance around my room, my house or in dance class to the pop music of the time. I guess my memory has not yet forgotten the joyous sensations of body movement and performing. I really must get back into it before all is lost.

Ladies and Gentleman, if you can do me a favour and ask me if I've started going to dance class any time we speak, that would be most helpful. An e-punch in the face would also be most appreciated.

There really isn't much else needed to be said, I guess. I've got to take a leaf from Nike and 'just do it'.

I'm very happy with what I do at the moment, that's not a problem. It's about doing more. I did more as a 12 year old than I do now. I use to write and write, books of scripts - complete scripts - stories... I used to draw so much, and these days I would struggle to even compete with my 11 year old self at drawing a cartoon person.

I struggle so much with ideas and inspiration. It's almost like I can't go forward until I complete what I already started creating. I am worried that I am losing that inner-child or inner-cat that finds everything so fascinating and plays there way through life. I must win it back. I will.

It's just fear. When did I become so afraid? I use to bound down staircases as a toddler without holding onto the sides while my brother use to tip toe down them holding on the railings. When did I lose the sense of self-assurance? How can I get it back? When will I stop caring?

Honestly, people... I'm like, the human version of Radio. I'll just keep holding panels and talking about my problems instead of actually doing anything about it... over and over until my 'medium' dies out. Great.

That was depressing! Let's listen to Demi Lovato right fucking now!!!

Cool Spring Air, Opinions and A Quiet Night In

There are so many things I want to talk about, that just don't do well on a public blog.

Isn't that sad?

Sometimes, I wish that I had a greater level of anonymity, like I had when I was 16. I was quite public with most of my thoughts on my old blogs, and some people didn't really like it. Or they just thought I was being a silly girl. And I am most of the time.

I am very much enjoying Internet Life lately. I had a lot of fun at Rhett and Link's shoot for their new video (coming out next Monday). I was over-excited about the whole thing, and sometimes that level of energy can turn people off or confuse them, but on that day every one else seemed in a super happy mood too, and I remember laughing a lot.

I really enjoyed taking photos of the other YouTubers splashing around the pool, they are all so expressive. It's very fun to capture. I am looking forward to updating my camera one day, so I can really control the focus.

I fear all the shivering in the cool Spring sun might have made me sick unfortunately. I'm controlling it with Vitamin C and, as I type between mouthfuls, chicken broth (with lots of pepper) and some ginger noodles.

I also realized, while trying to make the broth more enjoyable, that I really don't know how to cook those floppy little mexican wrappy things. Wow. Well done, Caitlin. Good luck with your ignorance.

I'm a little annoyed with myself right now. For reasons I'd rather not divulge. I just always seem to come off the wrong way and misrepresent myself to friends, when I'm really just easygoing and couldn't really give a fuck. I don't have time for anything, and yet I steal so many minutes with caring about other peoples opinions on me.

I love nothing more than to analyze everything, but it does me no good at all, it simply drives me mad.

Anyway, I'm excited for my quiet night in. I'm going to get all my work done, and watch The City and Gossip Girl - for the City, of course, not the silly characters and lack of story-line.

Have you read the latest Vanity Fair? I suggest that you do so, it's a great read! I very much enjoyed the articles on the American Dream and how, through time, it has become something entirely trivial. And all that Bernie Madoff business, what a drama! I'm very glad that I'm minus $150 in the bank by my own causes right now. And I will never, ever, ever Invest. I'll earn what I earn and that is that.

Anyway, that's enough nonsense for tonight. Do you like my new "look" for my blog? This person, MacoMaco is kind enough to let people use his content as long as they are acknowledged. Very awesome, indeed. I wanted something that summed up all I want out of life. Film and Large Fields.

Film and Large Fields.

Love from The Alien Hatching Within The Body and the Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs.

P.S: I just realized that my roommates are like, the only people I hang out with.

Liquid Meditation and Avoiding The Cannibals

Showers happen every day. Yes. There is always that one shower though that does more than clean your tootsies, it cleans your soul.

Well, not completely, but you walk feeling squeaky clean inside and out and chipper enough to get bruised up and bullied again before the next shower.

These magical showers usually happen for me in the evening, when the purpose is not to be clean for something, but just to feel clean. You put on some music, turn off the lights, and the gray light of winter comes in and says, "What up, girl. You are all alone. This is your moment. Now dance."

And I do. I move in the semi-darkness and feel happy and scrub-a-dub-dub. Feels good.

I love being clean. And as Summer approaches Cleanliness and Getting Fit are moving to the Top of my never ending: Needs Improvement List.

Summer in the City can be awful if don't know how to work it. I need the right products to keep me feeling good, because there is nothing worse then feeling like shit on a hot, stinky day.

I also can't bare to have this little bit of Mac Flab around my hips and stomach, it just does not feel right.

I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I would like to go back to when I was a ballet dancer and working hard. My dancer teacher grabbed me by the arm mid-plie and said, "Stop losing weight." And I loved it.

I was still eating and lazing about, but the daily exercise was enough to shrink any of the holiday weight I had to simply skin and bones. I like skin. And bones. And eating. Never fear, I love eating. I just need to work out more. I don't want to be a rake, I just don't want any of this extra meat.

I do not plan to be eaten.

Love The Necessity of Light, Loose Clothing and a Fruit Cup.

Found This. It's Old. Might As Well Post It.

I'm fairly sure I haven't posted this. Still seems relevant. What the hell:

Interactivity @ Mon 11:15am

This year for me, as much as I didn’t want it to be, is all about Interaction.
As my subscribers on YouTube grow and grow, views on my actual videos (not that I would expect anything different at the moment) are receiving some of the lowest views I’ve had for a while, and it is all very interesting.

Last week, for reasons I cannot share with you, I went and looked at other peoples Subscribers and had a peek at some of mine too.

How often have you done this? Well, please do so now, as you will find it incredibly interesting.

The most interesting thing about some of my subscribers and other “Top” people is that most of them don’t even exist. A lot of the accounts have been closed or suspended and yet the count does not differ, I’m sure when YouTube wants to, the subscriber base will dramatically change when these people disappear.

The other question is how many of these subscribers are actually real? There were a lot of people subscribed to some top people and some for me too, that had no details on their account and yet they were all subscribed to the same two people, which I found very curious.

I know that about 2000 of my subscribers are fake, due to their being a massive surge amongst a whole bunch of YouTubers suddenly went up the “Charts” very quickly, I asked Damien, and he showed me that some company had subscribed to a whole bunch of the same people, though we are still not sure who it was.

So, I don’t have 60,000 subscribers, I have somewhere around 58,000 or do I even have that? 56,000? 50,000? 20,000? Or are the views not even real? That’s the hard thing about this Online World, the anonymity of it all paints a thick layer of black paint over this virtual glass, so that, even after you’ve peeled it all off, the glass is still left dirty and nothing is ever clear.

All I know is that I have a dear base of “followers” who are always there, my lucky stars, who watch over me constantly. Most of them have been with me since the dawn of the plague (otherwise known as the day I logged in to YouTube) and have had to endure a lot of disappointments, but hopefully some good times too. To those people, I thank you! You’re lovely.

So, real subscribers or not, this year is still about Interactivity. I find myself up late (5am sometimes) on the computer, gazing into this pixilated world, and finding myself incredibly fascinated! Look at all these amazing people, look at all these tools for communication and look at all these delightful Neopets! Well, that’s me mainly trying to relive my childhood. Since other than MSN and that awful Slipnot Chatroom, Neopets was my introduction to the internet.

Yes sir, I have rediscovered Neopets for the 15th time. Neopets is probably the reason I’m here today. If I had not discovered that site and become obsessed with it, I may never have returned to the library or turned on the computer and discovered my outlet to the world.

So, now YOU, the viewer, have many ways to interact with me and also have your voices and opinions heard.
We have YouTube, and soon I will be releasing my crazy blonde brain onto every video platform that exists, I do not expect to dominate any of these areas or be successful at all, I just want to make sure, that one day, when I can finally sigh and say goodbye, that I have covered every area.

I also have a podcast coming out very soon, and I will be linking you up to that in a Blog very soon – its not going to just be a talk show, but music will be featured until I receive a cease and desist letter ☺

Tommy of Valpocade fame has been hard at work creating a new TheHill88 site, this is a personal project of his, all I’ve done is given him my “blessing”, I am looking forward to seeing what he comes up with and will announce it by creating a video.

I am most excited about launching my Mac site; this site will be purely for photos and random videos, that aren’t even worth uploading. I wanted to create this picture site because as “handy” (and yes, I realize I’m using a lot of sarcastic quotations for this Blog) as sites like MySpace, Facebook and Flickr are for sharing photos, I just end up feeling overwhelmed by the amount of pictures that are uploaded and my Flickr account is not interesting for its just used to get a link to place a background on my YouTube homepage. With this site I’ll be able to post all my photos so its like a digital album, and I will Blog, Twitter, maybe Vlog when new pictures are up for you all to check out.

Why all the effort? Because I want to make sure I don’t disappoint the foolish 17 year old Caitlin, who wanted to be the first Caitlin Hill that came up after googling. I know it’s pointless, but as much as I’m tired of it all, I still love the Internet, just different sides of it.

However, none of this will be worthwhile unless there is some sort of interaction, so here are the sites I’m intrigued by right now, so that maybe we can connect.

http://www.twitter.com/thatgirlonline
http://caitlinhill.tumblr.com
http://www.blogtv.com/People/thatgirlonline

Cheers
Caitlin xox

Looking Back, Always... - VOX

It's been a long while since I last wrote here. I could have deleted it, but I don't regret my thoughts so I see no point too. But I'm also shy (or is it egotistical?) enough to not want my old thoughts just sitting here, stagnant, rotting.

The interesting thing is... right now, I have nothing to say.

Well, that's not true. I do. I desperately want to pour my heart out. I have to admit, I'm in a lot of pain.

I miss someone very much. He thinks I have abandoned him. The truth is I honestly just don't know what to say.

To him.

To you.

Hi... It's been a while.