I am so annoyed at myself. I am mortified actually.
All this year, I have been so closed off with my emotions.
The truth is is that I am seeing someone at the moment, and I still haven't let my feelings go...
Maybe it is because they are letting their feelings just fill the emotion-hole of the relationship?They are letting their guard down, which lets me be the dominating person in the relationship?Do I like that? I'm not sure..
Is it because I'm not sure if they are right for me? It's a weird situation...there is nothing wrong with the guy.
He is great.
Perfect, in a way.
I love his family.
He is so sweet, kind and affectionate.
So, I don't feel any reason to let the relationship die and yet, something isn't starting within me.
Whatever it is that makes you fall for someone, just hasn't started. I'm not feeling it. It makes me sad, actually.
...I want to feel for him. I like him. But I don't match him with affection and what he feels. (edit 5/16/10: or what I assumed he felt... geez, wow, Caitlin, ego much?)
However, the most annoying thing is that I can let my emotions run wild and fall for someone I don't even know!!!
What the hell is with that???
I see him as more superior than me, so when I was confronted by him the other day...I just froze.
There was no wit or charm or anything girls try to turn on to woo a guy. Nothing. I didn't even speak to him!!!
And then he left and it was the most humilating moment of my life...
That should not be able to happen, especially when its with bloody webcams...
Shit man, I am so pissed off at myself for that.
Its all the wrong way around!!! I'm so EVIL!
I should be infatuated with the guy I'm with, not some illusion...
But I'm not anymore. I got angry and went and watched a marathon of Criminal Intent on TV1.
Fell back in LOVE with Vincent D'Onofrio. He was sweet as in Full Metal Jacket, but I love his Detective work hahaha!
Basically, I just want to stop "liking" people that I admire and just start liking the people who are actually IN my life. It's so pathetic. Seriously. It's the worst.
Anyway, I'm not logging in to YouTube for a little while...I need to cleanse my soul of viral videos.
I hate men. But damn, I love them...I wish I was a lesbian...it wouldn't be easier...but I reckon I'd be luckier in that area... Theres quite a lot of lesbians in Brisbane.. (edit 5/16/10: is there?)
My main thought is, do I wait to feel for this guy...? It seems cruel. But he's so great. I'm just not there.. Especially since the other day he said he was "falling for me"... Sigh.
Or do feelings only kick in with the right people...I must say out of any guys I have ever felt for, I have only ever felt crazy-in-love twice. Once was with this guy that started to change himself just as we finally got together...and the other was another person I thought was too good for me, and I literally went crazy over that relationship...shit, most of it was spent alone in my room crying, wondering when he was going to dump me because I wasn't worth him (we ended up mutually breaking up, we both cried, it was fun)...
Anyway, I love men long time...but, I either don't treat them well or act like a complete dork... I know that eventually I need to be with somebody that I feel like a dork with, if I do feel in control with the relationship it always ends up badly... that's what happened with the last one...I wonder if the same thing will happen with this one...?
Love from The Mortified Dork xox