Bloody Men - VOX

I am so annoyed at myself. I am mortified actually.

All this year, I have been so closed off with my emotions.

The truth is is that I am seeing someone at the moment, and I still haven't let my feelings go...

Maybe it is because they are letting their feelings just fill the emotion-hole of the relationship?They are letting their guard down, which lets me be the dominating person in the relationship?Do I like that? I'm not sure..

Is it because I'm not sure if they are right for me? It's a weird situation...there is nothing wrong with the guy.

He is great.

Perfect, in a way.

I love his family.

He is so sweet, kind and affectionate.

So, I don't feel any reason to let the relationship die and yet, something isn't starting within me.

The fire?

The passion?

Whatever it is that makes you fall for someone, just hasn't started. I'm not feeling it. It makes me sad, actually.

...I want to feel for him. I like him. But I don't match him with affection and what he feels. (edit 5/16/10: or what I assumed he felt... geez, wow, Caitlin, ego much?)

However, the most annoying thing is that I can let my emotions run wild and fall for someone I don't even know!!!

GAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is with that???

I see him as more superior than me, so when I was confronted by him the other day...I just froze.

FROZE!

There was no wit or charm or anything girls try to turn on to woo a guy. Nothing. I didn't even speak to him!!!

And then he left and it was the most humilating moment of my life...

That should not be able to happen, especially when its with bloody webcams...

Shit man, I am so pissed off at myself for that.

Its all the wrong way around!!! I'm so EVIL!

I should be infatuated with the guy I'm with, not some illusion...

But I'm not anymore. I got angry and went and watched a marathon of Criminal Intent on TV1.

Fell back in LOVE with Vincent D'Onofrio. He was sweet as in Full Metal Jacket, but I love his Detective work hahaha!

Basically, I just want to stop "liking" people that I admire and just start liking the people who are actually IN my life. It's so pathetic. Seriously. It's the worst.

Anyway, I'm not logging in to YouTube for a little while...I need to cleanse my soul of viral videos.

I hate men. But damn, I love them...I wish I was a lesbian...it wouldn't be easier...but I reckon I'd be luckier in that area... Theres quite a lot of lesbians in Brisbane.. (edit 5/16/10: is there?)

My main thought is, do I wait to feel for this guy...? It seems cruel. But he's so great. I'm just not there.. Especially since the other day he said he was "falling for me"... Sigh.

Or do feelings only kick in with the right people...I must say out of any guys I have ever felt for, I have only ever felt crazy-in-love twice. Once was with this guy that started to change himself just as we finally got together...and the other was another person I thought was too good for me, and I literally went crazy over that relationship...shit, most of it was spent alone in my room crying, wondering when he was going to dump me because I wasn't worth him (we ended up mutually breaking up, we both cried, it was fun)...

Anyway, I love men long time...but, I either don't treat them well or act like a complete dork... I know that eventually I need to be with somebody that I feel like a dork with, if I do feel in control with the relationship it always ends up badly... that's what happened with the last one...I wonder if the same thing will happen with this one...?

Love from The Mortified Dork xox

QotD: If I Had To Do It All Over Again - VOX

"What's one thing you regret not doing?" - submitted by Mr. Nice.

One thing I regret recently is not going to my WAAPA audition (Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts).

I let myself succumb to my fear and believe that I couldn't do it. That I would be laughed at and mocked. So I didn't go.

So pathetic. Who knows what might have happened if I auditioned?

I shouldn't close myself off to any opportunity, no matter how embarrassing or scary it is. The point is to experience things, because that is what life is about. Living and experiencing everything. If you close yourself up in a little box, you will never learn anything.

So, from now on, any oppertunity I am offered, I will take. Just for the experience.

- Caitlin...

Hellooo Mr. Vox! First Blog

Hellooo!

I'm Caitlin and I confuse myself. Maybe a blog will help unravel the mystery behind why the hell I am the way I am...?

I have also included one of my first YouTube videos for you all...just so you can have a basic idea of who you are dealing with... (was on VOX)

But anyway...I must admit. I do prefer writing then typing these days. I use to be much more into typing my feelings, but when I write I just write and what I say is exactly what I feel... it just pours out easier.

Tuesday 5th December 2006

I am not very nice to my family members. I am not mean to them or terribly rude. But I am ignorant. And self-centered.

I feel very much like Leonardo Dicaprio in Basketball Diaries or Romeo & Juliet - sitting here in public, writing this while the wind blows through my hair. I'm also sitting at a train station waiting for a Gold Coast bound train to take me to Robina. When I get there, I'll meet Remi.

As I write this, I realise I am sitting at the wrong platform...I'm to use to travelling north to the city. It doesn't really matter though, because this station only has two platforms...

I woke up at about 6am; my alarm had gone off and I kept panicking. "I'm late for something", "Something has to be done". But there wasn't anything I needed to do. This continued til about 10 mins to 9am. Remi texted me asking me what time I was available for the script reading.

Our friend, Anthony J. had wrote a script about men treating women badly and we were all going to be in the film. Anthony is producing it and Remi is directing it.

Ugh. I just made an ass of myself...I heard a train coming and I got up really quickly, thinking it was the Gold Coast train. However, it was just the Beenleigh train terminating. Now I have a huge pen mark on my arm where I jumped up in a panic.

"Passengers are reminded that smoking is strictly prohibited on the station platforms."

Here it comes; the train!

I feel really bad because a lady sat next to me just as I jumped up to the catch the train. I hope she wasn't offended.

I spent all morning on the computer...on YouTube, of course...and the Queensland Rail site to check out the times...

I was meant to be meeting Remi at 1pm so we could hang out, but I couldn't get to the station due to my Grandma being busy with hanging out with my Aunty & Uncle. They have just returned for a short amount of time from Saudi Arabia. I think Uncle Clayton works at a place that is either still or was called British Aerospace.

So I decided to get the 1.08pm train, which I'm on now, and that I'll arrive at 1.41pm. And I did.

I replied all my YT messages from December 4th. Hopefully tonight I'll be able to reply all of December 3rd - wow, what a fascinating life I do lead...ugh.

And I found another great YouTuber, who just happens to be Australian! He is Digiwax. He has really hilarious YT videos, but he left in August and hasn't been back to post more since. It's quite sad really, he could have been great!

My Aunty kept interrupting me while I was at the computer. It was worse because I had my head-phones on - so every conversation from my end starts with: "What?"

Sometimes I think I mainly turn on the computer to listen to music. I know that that is the only reason I kept replying message after message-

"Ormeau, Ormeau station."

I'll sign off here...more rambling thoughts to come! :D

Cheerio Chappies!

Caitlin Hill!