The Wardrobe

That Hoarders show really struck a nerve. I just put a whole bunch of clothes into a garbage bag, and I'll need to sort the clothes out again in the morning because one garbage bag wasn't enough, I can't even tie it up.

I'm not going to simply throw the clothes away. I will donate some clothes to the material donation truck that has now moved to Union Square (I spotted it today on my way to the CoinStar at Food Emporium) and others I will clean and donate to Housing Works.

I also have a bunch of t-shirts sitting in a corner which will be attacked by material scissors tomorrow. I don't like the t-shirts, but I love the patterns and images on the t-shirt, so I'm going to cut them out and make them into a quilt of sorts... or maybe a banner... or maybe a pillow cover - I don't know just yet, but I don't want to part with them completely because some of the shirts instantly transport me back to a moment in my life so clearly and we all know how special that moments feels. So I feel like I'm making a compromise. I'm half-hoarding? I'm recycling?

So. Let's do inventory, shall we?

Underwear: 16 pairs (Oh, you need to know)

Socks: Err... Well I'd like to have 14 pairs of socks. That's the goal. I have more than that but most are crazy wide-eyed loner socks on a doomed space mission to Venus.

Bras: 7

Sleep Wear: 4 PJ bottoms, 1 PJ Top (I'm a bit grumpy at myself because I purchased a slinky garment to sleep in and now have noticed that the zipper is all misshaped. Waste of money. I sighed and muttered to myself, "You keep doing stupid things over and over again!" Drama.)

Tights/Stockings: 7

Scarves: 6

Gloves: 4 pairs

Hats: 1 Beanie

Jackets/Coats: 4 plus a Waistcoat.

Belts: 4

Ties: 2

Pants/Jeans: 7

Shorts: 4

Skirts: 3

T-shirts: 11

Shirts: 7

Dress Tops: 7

"Under" Tops (for wearing under sheer clothes or for layering): 6

Dresses: 13

Cardigans/Sweaters: 10

I like that all my clothes can now easily fit on my bed in neat piles. Small piles too, which means I could probably squeeze my whole wardrobe into a suitcase, which has been a dream of mine for a while. I can only imagine that I will get rid of more things once it gets colder and I know what I really need.

I hope that after a while of getting some "wear n tear," I can purchase some items that I feel closer resemble where I'm at in my head... because that is important and also not important at all but should still be acquired and shouldn't be at all.

OK. Great. All the clothes are now folded neatly or are hanging in my wardrobe. I don't have enough space for the cardigans and sweaters, so I'm just going to hang the hangers on top of the hook on the door.

Clothes: Done.

I can now calmly move on to getting through the newspapers, magazines, books and "things to post" that are taking up most of the space here in The Land of Caitlin. The books will be a problem, but I'm confident that I can tackle a sizable amount of magazines before the end of November.

Weekend Update: Luke gave me a jar of US coins to cash in at CoinStar because he had not done it yet and would have no use for them. It totaled to $16.00 but the CoinStar didn't say the usual, "Chi-Ching!" I was disappointed at the lack of chi-ching.

I then went to Cosi for a quick sandwich and was seated by a waitress and everything, which was really strange. My Mum called and we spoke briefly before I had to hurry on to the N train to get up to 59th St and 5th Avenue to see Mao's Last Dancer at the Paris Theater.

As I rushed around the Plaza Hotel, there was a crowd surrounding a line of official looking cars, but I didn't care, I just huffed and pushed my way through, wanting to make it on time to see the film. I was also really excited to be going to the Paris Theater for the first time.

I'm looking forward to seeing Morning Glory, the film has a great cast and it looks like it'll be a lot of laughs. Rachel McAdams and Harrison Ford on screen together??? It just has to be amazing.

Mao's Last Dancer was quite beautiful. I have the book back at home because my dance teachers during my first (and only) year at QDSE told us all to read it. I hadn't read it, which was good because I'm sure I would have enjoyed the film less. I loved Bruce Greenwood's performance and his awesome accent in this film, he was a delight. The ballet dancers also did a good job at acting, which is usually awkward to watch, so props to the director, Bruce Beresford. I especially enjoyed the subtle comedy, which was often delightfully awkward.

One line stuck with me, "Sometimes you just have to be strong." I need to tell myself that often.

Some of the people watching in the theatre were really loud, one lady was almost a heckler, she kept telling the Chinese characters to put their "papers" up... somewhere. One guy also annoyed me by whispering, "It's a flashback" to his partner during a flashback. Like you couldn't tell by the slow-crossfade? Come on, man.

It's always a pleasure to see Amanda Schull, because I absolutely adored her when I was a young wannabe ballerina and I really liked her and Chi Cao's chemistry on screen.

I was pleased to see, during the very fast-credits, that part of this film was produced in Australia and financed by Screen Australia, so that made me very happy because it seems like a good year for Aussie cinema, what with that and Animal Kingdom both out and doing pretty well here. Maybe Aussie cinema isn't as damned as I thought it was.

Afterwards I took some photos of the lovely window displays at Bergdorf Goodman and then headed down to Union Square to see Catfish with Molly, which was pretty darn incredible. I found myself recognizing so many moments that the main guy is faced with. It's just incredible what the Internet and that perfect block to hide behind called Texting can do to a relationship.

It made me once again just want to shut the whole thing down. I don't like how open my life is to people sometimes. Someone commented on one of my old blogs saying that I do this because I "love" the audience... err, that isn't true. Let's just leave that there.

Weekend Plan at 4pm :)

Brain Age: 33

Food: Cookies

Dream: Headless Swan, I was a mermaid, Jewelry sinking to the bottom of the ocean, eating ice cream.

Room: Dark and Messy

Sudoku: 49 minutes (Sigh)

Saturday Plan: Get Account sorted out, see Mao's Last Dancer, read last Sunday's Newspaper, Work, Clean.

Sunday Plan: Race McCloud, read last Sunday's Newspaper, Clean.

Films I Want to See at the Theatre: Catfish, Never Let Me Go, Picture Me: A Model's Diary, Animal Kingdom =about $50.00 - that's crazy.

That's where my money goes, even though I've cut down recently, it all goes to films, food and transport. Oh, and drinks. I don't buy clothes all that often or other pointless stuff.

Films Out Now that I'll Wait to See on Netflix/iTunes: Resident Evil: Afterlife, Machete, Going the Distance, The Last Exorcism, The Expendables (just for kicks), Eat Pray Love (what?), Devil, Easy A, The Town, Kings of Pastry, The Freebie, Jack Goes Boating, Leaves of Grass, The Virginity Hit, Dinner for Schmucks, Salt, The Kids Are All Right, 3 Billion and Counting, A Woman, A Gun, and a Noodle Shop, Genius Within: The Inner Life of Glenn Gould, Winter's Bone, Ahead of Time, I'm Still Here, I Am Love, My Dog Tulip, On The Bowery, Despicable Me.

New York Times VOL. CLIX . . No. 55,161

I am clearly forming a habit of documenting what I read. I have trouble simply reading things and then trusting that my brain will retain the information for use later. I guess this is some form of digital hoarding? At least it is better than hoarding IRL, because I watched two episodes of Hoarders last night and I was utterly horrified at the possibility that I could end up like that.

Here's to minimalism and digital preservation... until the Internet falls off the edge of the Earth.

Note: Below is simply my summary of information I have learnt from the articles read, it should no way be considered a reliable news source and you should visit NYtimes.com for professional reporting or further information.

Front Page

Afghan Security Growing Worse, Aid Groups Say - Afghanistan is becoming more and more dangerous as more troops arrive. Humanitarian aid is shrinking as more and more provinces become unsafe. The military are operating in "key terrain districts," mostly in the south, where the Taliban are thought to be the strongest. "We are pushing into areas where the Taliban have enjoyed safe haven in the past, and we are taking that away from them," says Major Belinsky, an ISAF spokeswoman. A top coalition general denies that they are losing the fight.

On Anniversary of Sept. 11, Rifts Amid Mourning - the day that usually united Americans together is now tense with religious and political debate over the plans to build a Muslim community centre and mosque close to Ground Zero. "They may seek to spark conflict between different faiths, but as Americans we are not - and never will be - at war with Islam." President Obama said. "It was not a religion that attacked us that September day; it was Al Qaeda, a sorry band of men which perverts religion. And just as we condemn intolerance and extremism abroad, so we will stay true to our traditions here at home as a diverse and tolerant nation." Also, I think the phrase "Go back to X" should be banned from human tongues. It's childish, ignorant and a pathetic way to use one's constitutional rights.

Using Microsoft, Russia Suppresses Dissent - Russian police officers have confiscated many computers from opposition newspapers and environmental groups, like Baikal Wave who were protesting the re-opening of a paper plant that was polluting the lake, with reasoning that they have stolen Microsoft software. However, the timing is suspicious, since action against these organizations often take place during elections or when they are organizing protests against Vladimir V. Putin's decisions. Very shifty stuff and Microsoft does not come off looking good, quite cowardly. Though their position is somewhat understandable that doesn't make their inaction to those who say their software is legal right.

Cool Fact Learned: Lake Baikal in Siberia is the oldest and deepest freshwater lake in the world and holds an estimated twenty-percent of the world's water. Two-thirds of the 1700 species of plants and animals found here can be found nowhere else in the world. Just put this on my seemingly never-ending list of places I want to visit.

G.O.P Leader Tightly Bound To Lobbyists - Representative John A. Boehner of Ohio. He is the House minority leader and would be the speaker of the House if the Republicans win it in November. I have to say that I don't want him to be speaker of the House because I feel that anyone who makes too many promises to lobbyists can only bring trouble, more corruption and stop tough legislation on many companies that brought the US into this mess. He's also well liked by Tabacco lobbyists. This next comment is ignorant but err, nuff said?

Watching the Catwalk, and Clicking 'Add to Cart' - the Internet looks to be only helping the Fashion industry, welcoming in bloggers and giving credit-card wielding fashionistas more access to the once elusive and frightening high fashion world. Many designers will be live-streaming their shows and others, such as Burberry, will allow customers to order items as the walk down the runway. Dianne von Furstenberg has invited a select group of bloggers to purchase, using touch screens, items that are in the store, which I like since as Paula Stutter, the president of the company says, "It's important to sell what's in the store." More practical, too. If Burberry is shipping its Spring collection in seven weeks upon ordering then what will one do for the next four or so months when it's still too cold to wear the Spring collection?

Some luxury-marketing consultants worry that some designers will offend their ties with major shopping houses, like Bergdorf Goodman. Others worry that giving the compulsive and rich, the nouveau riche and those who like paying a lot of interest access to the lines so quickly will tarnish the lines exclusivity, which is where most of the appeal lies.

China Explores A Rich Frontier, Two Miles Deep - Chinese scientists reached the bottom of the South China sea earlier this summer to explore areas rich in oils, minerals and other resources that China wants to mine. Experts say the treasures there are estimated at trillions of dollars worth. Also below the surface are undersea cables (which fascinates me,) lost nuclear arms, sunken submarines and hundreds of warheads. China purchased technology and materials used to make the submersible from the United States and also trained for the dive in Cape Cod, aboard the famous Alvin, the oldest diving craft. This venture is just another rabid development China is making, also concentrating on the industries of supercomputers and jumbo jets.

Within

• The Egyptian military is incredibly powerful but also seemingly tyrannical. "There are no labor strikes in military society," says General Sowilam in response to the servicemen who were tried, some being acquitted others receiving suspended sentences, for striking over unsafe work conditions. "If they don't want to obey our rules, let them try their luck in the civilian world."
• "Shadow shogun" Ichiro Ozawa, the former head of Japan's governing Democratic party, who is largely considered a Rasputin-like figure, has announced his bid for prime minister. His campaign for prime minister is his "last service" for Japan, which doesn't help rumors of his ailing health.
• Five American Health Workers who belong to the Allen Temple Baptist Church AIDS Ministry in Oakland, Cali. have been arrested in Zimbabwe for allegedly not carrying the right paperwork to dispense the four-month supply of antiretroviral drugs that would benefit about 800 people. Their lawyer denies the accusations and their arrest is due to a soured relationship with a Zimbabwe charity, whose new leader called the police. They should be released soon (when the police finish the paperwork) and only charged a fine. The AIDS epidemic is severe throughout Zimbabwe and the country's broken health care system often fails to treat people in need.
• 70 people have died in Kashmir over the summer after violent protests broke out when a teenager was killed when struck by a tear-gas canister.
• To join the European Union, Kosovo was pushed to deal with its wartime past and prosecute atrocities committed by Serbs during the 90s war. Nine men who served during the war were indicted in connection with the killings of ethnic Albanian civilians on May 14, 1999. They fired large numbers of rounds into civilians backs as they ran away and the burned the bodies to conceal the evidence. Other crimes committed during the war, which occurred due to Kosovo seeking independence from Serbia, included rapes, beatings, burning of property and plundering. Top officials, military and police commanders were also tried by the United Nations war crimes court.
• 85 inmates escaped from a border prison between Mexico and Texas. The guards are suspected of helping the inmates escape, 201 in total have escaped this year. Most are believed to be connected to the drug gangs operating in Reynosa.
• Inflation is occurring in China due to its economy growing, however this hinders many citizens whose wages have not increased, retirees on fixed income or those trying to enter the workforce.
• Prime Minister George Papandreou has declared that his government has won the battle against his country's bankruptcy. He will be reducing taxes, creating 200,000 jobs by issuing licenses for wind farms and solar parks and opening up closed professions, like truck drivers and pharmacists. Though I don't really understand that. More reforms are coming in condition with its European Union partners and the International Monetary Fund who have lent the country $139 billion dollars.
• North Korea has suggested to South Korea that they set up reunions for families who were separated during the war, some family members have not seen each other for 60 years. South Korea is curious as to the Norths motives, since the South has refused to resume aid shipments and other talks until the North apologizes for the sinking of South Korea's warship which killed 46 sailors. North is still denying its involvement, yet its proposal for reunions came when the South was debating how much aid it should provide for North Koreans affected by floods. The South are pleased at the request, since they are usually the ones who propose the reunions.
• There has been an increase in families living in shelters from 2007 to 2009. Most shelters have strict rules and the dramatic change in lifestyle is damaging to children and adults mental health.
• PG&E has the public rallying against them due to the natural gas explosion that occurred earlier last week, after it has been revealed that the pipes were in desperate need of new pipe, the old pipe having not been worked on since 1948. People are still missing and the death toll has risen to six deceased.
• Bostonians are now mourning the loss of their beloved Filene's basement building now that the site has not completed production of its tower with a new Filene's basement since it was razed in 2005. Boston Mayor, Thomas M. Menino, is threatening to revoke the building permits if construction does not resume this month, not excepting a smaller plan proposed instead because it does not do anything worthwhile for the city. "It shows arrogance on their part," Mr. Menino said. "They could care less about Boston and that bothers me to no end."
• Tax Provisions in Health Law... I still don't understand what's going on. I shall keep my eye out for more information in future publications.
• Chicago's mayor, Richard M. Daley comes off well-adjusted and reasonably likable, though he is complained about and his polls are low. He is not running for Mayor again and says, "I have a lot of confidence in myself and confidence in the belief that I can be replaced. (Kind of arrogant, I guess) Everybody's replaceable in life." Decent save.
• Tension grows in the central Los Angeles district of Westlake due to a recent shooting of a Guatemalan immigrant when he threatened a cop with a knife. Locals feel the shooting was unjust. Immigrants are also unsatisfied with the United States they expect to find. The neighbourhood is overcrowded and most don't understand the laws that would be acceptable and respectable in their hometowns, like selling goods on the street. Immigration has become less about fleeing guerillas and more about finding work to afford to eat. Though their lifestyle is unsatisfying, most do not want to return because they would go hungry back home.
• Graeter's, an ice cream company that was founded in 1870 is now going coastal, ready to tackle Haagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry's. Though it is a risky move, the company feel confident, especially after an Oprah Winfrey approval in 2002 when she declared it was the best ice cream she had ever tasted. I'm looking forward to seeing some in New York stores or its very own store.
• A hostile Kentucky man, who had become increasingly hostile towards neighbors, pursued his wife with a shotgun after he became enraged over the way she cooked his eggs. He killed her and his step-daughter, and crossed seven lawns shooting at neighbours, and killed three. As the police arrived, an hour later, he shot himself. I am always disappointed when I hear of these kinds of killings. There is something about the instantaneousness of it all that seems so inhuman. I wish he had received some help before he acted on his rage.

And to finish, a quote from David Dortort, a creator, writer and exec-producer of Bonanza who broke television stereotypes of women and minorities in sometimes controversial but always thoughtful scripts, who died last week: "Once you establish the harmony that exists in the dramatic arts, you can entice, educate and entertain."

Well, that was fun... but that was the Sunday paper and so that was only the Front Page. I have yet to read the rest of it. Wow.

I'm thinking of possibly establishing a trend of getting one Sunday paper a month until I get better at reading and sorting out the information that is important to me and what isn't, what's interesting to me and what isn't (which is how adults read the paper, right?) Then twice a month and then, ooh, maybe a Sunday paper a week. I know I should probably encourage the paper industry to die off, but I can't say I want it too. It's such a dear human habit that I want to be a part of.

Maybe I'm just under the delusion that "No day is complete without The New York Times."

Theatre and Fashion on Broadway

I missed a work meeting and felt little of it, as was my habit at the time.

I joined the usual morning hustle of normal people who wake before 12pm. I had coffee. I had the subway, all the way up to Times Square. I was late but not too late.

I walked around the road blocks and squeezed myself in, as close as I could, to Broadway on Broadway. It was lovely. Inspiring. A little lame at times with an ad campaign having to film twice. Pathetic.

They sung Empire State of Mind and confetti streamed down from the buildings around us. It was quaint. It was joyous. I felt a little sad.

The coffee, as always, went straight through me, and I wandered around nervously looking for a bathroom. I'm very nervous about seeking out public toilets. I don't like to ask restaurants. I don't like to be rejected. I also never know what I'm getting. Thankfully the Applebees on 50th or something happily let me in. It must be a common thing. I was thankful for common - and clean! - toilets.

Down into the warm Subway again, and up at Lincoln for Fashion Week. I went simply to People Watch. There was a covered passageway that all the people with tickets were entering and exiting. I watched them arrive, I watched the paid-photographers and enthusiasts and fashion bloggers run after the incredibly stylish one. Watched the faces, frozen in a look of, I don't care but I really do care about what all these people think of me. So many delightfully inappropriate costumes for this weather.

I just leaned up against a column, holding my iPhone and a magazine that a promoter had given out and I suppose I looked like I was waiting for someone or something, but all I did was look and smile with delight. I probably seemed quite creepy.

It soon grew to cold to hang around and after one lousy iPhone snap of these cool kids hanging around for their car, I dived back into the subway. I was full of inspiration. To be oh-so-New York. To be grown up. So I bought the Sunday Times and felt awesome with the weight in my arms. It's totally ridiculous that inky paper can make on feel that way. It becomes a trend. You become a poser. However, I was seriously concerned about it's depths. I wanted to read every thing.

Dr. Johnson was working at Next New Networks. I met him for a sandwich and then wanted to just chill out in the office and do my own work, out of every one's way. Except I happened to pick a toy hamster that would not stop making this ridiculously loud noise. After so many attempts of getting it to shut up, we buried it deep in a box somewhere and it eventually grew quiet. Thank goodness. Dr. Johnson felt nervous about me being there, so I left, tail between my legs.

I dreamed of legs actually. Then I just hung out, read the paper, watched Dexter, deleted a Myspace and another Internet version of myself.

Twenty-Two

The build-up and aftermath of being Twenty-Two.

6th: Nothing. Darkness. Food Emporium to buy Lean Cuisine. Depressing. Cool.

7th: Sandwich in Union Square. Pre-Birthday drinks with Michael and Shawn in Brooklyn.

8th: Hair done at Pimps and Pin-Ups. Walked around SoHo trying to organize my birthday dinner and was on a conference call at the same time. Dinner at Ruby's. Reactions to Hair, interesting. Drinks at Loreley. The Big Chill. Birthday presents. Frustration. Red Lights. Boy in a little bed.

9th: Lazy. Priorities. Distractions. Obligations ignored in favor of party supplies. Guilt. Party City: Expensive. Whole Foods: Creepy. Baking with Molly.

10th: Stressful day at work. My fault. Trying to make it better. Party. Fashion Night Out.

"Have you got the fashion, Caitlin? You better have the Fashion?" Michael: helpful. Balloons. Giddy. Walking and aching. Cab driver re: gay people. Ignorant. Let's just agree to disagree that "they" are apparently "weaker," OK, sir? Awkward start to the party. Molly: a darling. Emily: such an effort to be here, so nice! Christin: party snapper! Guests: awesome. Elliot brought more people and the party became an awesome party. Didn't wish for anything major this year. Don't even remember previous wishes so what's the point? Don't even remember what I wished for, actually. Lots of people. Excitement. It's real. Double-fisting. Sunburnt Cow. Dancing. Cab. "I'm so high, Caitlin, I have to leave." Hilariously nothing. Lost phone. Tortilla and corn chips. God-saver.

11th: On journey to find lost phone. I like Brooklyn. Nice guy, charged it, said happy birthday.

Shake Shack. Tired. Babysitting. Dexter.

Thoughts: Excited to be twenty-two. A few years closer to having a real personality. Best birthday EVER. EVER. EVER.

and then... the only other events for September was Shawn's farewell party? Right? I don't remember...

Shawn's Farewell Party

Molly and I set up the party favours

Molly was excellent for letting me have my party at her place and Emily was awesome for coming all the way from Troy for it!

My September Girl

I first opened this post on the 21st of December, 2009, but didn't really know what to do with it at the time, so I left it as a draft. It's now May 11th and I'm queuing this to post in September, 2010, on my birthday. I wonder if I'll still agree with the thoughts written here. What's up, Self?

This will not be interesting or relevant to you, unless you were born in September and want to do one of these for yourselves. It's very long and probably something I should just make private, but that's too complicated. Let's get it all out!

EDIT 09/09/10 - Yeah, the writing in this is all over the place and so... flighty. I already don't recognize some of the thoughts.

SEPTEMBER (babies) are...

This is a little something I copied off Tumblr. There is always some website or person sprouting up new analysis of who we are due to when we were born and I thought it'd be interesting to see if this particular one was spot on or completely off.

As usual, it's one of those things where you can go, 'I guess I am a little like that or a lot like this and I suppose sometimes I can be like that,' because it's all relative depending on what situation you find yourself in.

Suave and compromising.

Well, I had to look up suave because I know it's general meaning but wanted to just be sure- and I don't think suave people do that. Suave people already know what suave means and have stitched it into their jackets, along the cuff. Sometimes I can pull off elegance, but I do believe that when one has to try to pull it off you can't help but know they are trying to pull it. As for compromising? Yes, I think these last 2 years are good examples of compromising, though I haven't done it graciously.

Careful, cautious and organized.

My Mother told me that my brother was the careful and cautious one and that I happily stamped down the steps with no care of misplacing my little feet, whereas James would hold on to the banister and take one step at a time. Now, it seems like we have both delved in and out of careful and cautiousness. Sometimes I am too careful and can't let go and have fun and James has certainly been the opposite of cautious and careful for a few years of his young life.

I can be a little too careful and cautious around people, due to a lot of previous mistakes where what I'm thinking comes out before I have a chance to check whether it's PC or appropriate. This still happens quite a bit.

Then sometimes I find being so cautious quite taxing and take an 180 degree turn and just indulge in being crass and rude in a what I think is a funny way with people or the information they have passed on to me and that has gotten me in trouble as well.

It all starts in your head. If you change how you think or how people have taught you to think, what comes out of your mouth is different. I'm pleased with myself for learning, albeit however slowly.

As for organized, I can be absolutely organized... for less than 48 hours. I am constantly striving to have a clean room or office and organize my life, documents and work very well, it's keeping up the practice that I fail at. It's still an act for me. An act I grow tired off by the end of the second day, if not earlier.

One thing I know is that I will be organized. One day. It's not something that I have to wonder about too much. Due to my constant striving to be this way, I know that eventually it'll just click. I will have practiced enough and will almost be too organized... maybe annoyingly so, and then maybe it'll get me into trouble, and I'll have to "let go"... Wow, what an adventure. Harr. Harr.

I'm trying to rid myself of useless stuff and organize the things I do have, whether physical or digital, and am currently teaching my self lessons to not acquire so much stuff whenever I have the means to, to think it through, to resist, to take the time to organize as I go, it's like a hobby. I feel really good about it.

Likes to point out people’s mistakes.

Oh. Em. Gee. I love doing this. I love doing this because I make so many and I'm my worst enemy and am always putting myself down for making mistakes in any area, so when other people do it too, I jump on it.

I have learned however, who to do it with, and sometimes to just do it in my head or just realize that, hey, I'm super ignorant and am learning too, so who am I to judge? People have almost always been kind to me when I make a mistake, except maybe my guy friends growing up.

These days, if I'm with someone and they say something I am sure is completely untrue, I say, "I thought it was this..." and if they say, no, and are really adamant about it, so I say, "Oh, well, there you go..." and hopefully I won't stew on it later. That's not healthy or wise.

Also, sometimes the things I have learned were taught to me by someone who had it wrong, and so I know now not to repeat that mistake... though sometimes I slip up.

I corrected Sarah so many times on some things when we were living together, that we had quite a big tiff about it, and I felt elated and terribly evil at the same time. I don't really want to go and make that mistake again. That's school ground nonsense.

Likes to criticize.

Well, yes and no. I try not to. Though sometimes, for instance, today, I was walking down Park Avenue and this girl was walking ahead of me and was dressed quite well and must have known it, because she wasn't just walking, she was striding, doing a catwalk down the street, with her arms swinging far too high and wide to be a normal walk. I thought it was ridiculous and muttered, "Who walks like that down the street?" and then mocked her as she crossed the road by swinging my head from side to side and pushing my hips out in a silly way. She would never have seen it, but maybe, if I was lucky, someone else close behind me on the busy street also thought similarly and got a little kick of it. If not, well I certainly did.

But now, looking back, wow, that's so mean and obviously only stemmed for my own insecurities! I've got to be bigger than that!

I mainly like to criticize myself, and this is because of my near-lifetime studying ballet, where constant criticism is what makes you better. Unfortunately this has transported to daily life and severely hindered my self-confidence. Prompting many a nice, patient friend to tell me, "Shut up" and that I'm "fine". And I am. It feels like the film, Mean Girls, "word vomit," once you start it's really hard to stop.

Stubborn.

Absolutely. Especially with work. Especially whenever asked to clean my room as a teenager. Especially with friends on projects when they didn't want to go my way. Two stubborn people make TERRIBLE TIMES. Do not mix with stubborn people if you are a stubborn person.

Quiet but able to talk well.

To a point. Sometimes I forget what I'm talking about mid-sentence and then just 'umm' and 'err.' When I'm feeling confident and in charge of my situation, I can speak quite well. I'd love to add more words to my vocabularly in a much quicker rate than I'm at right now. Quiet-wise, yes, so many Americans ask for me to speak up, and on stage it was always a problem. I have to learn how to use my voice properly.

I've been reading Stella Adler's writings and she urges one to just chit-chat but have more meaningful conversations with the people in our lives and to not talk unless you feel the urge too. I like that, doesn't go to well at parties though.

Calm and cool.

Ha, again, sometimes. It's more like a disconnect. I'm really good at completely shutting down, which can look more passive-aggressive than anything.

I can be calm and cool before a meeting, but really only if there is someone else there that is anxious. And usually I feel that way when I've arrived at wherever I am suppose to be. Before that I am anxious and nervous. I don't feel in control. Lately, due to what's been going down in my life, I am always the opposite of calm and cool. It disappoints me that so many people have grown to know me as one with a hot temper. I'll talk to someone about it and get part of my old self back. I'm not saying I didn't have a temper as a kid. I did. Even more so after the divorce of my parents. Oh, so "emo," but I didn't have that many tantrums, I was just melodramatic.

Kind and sympathetic.

I can be kind and I can be cold. Sometimes I can be too eager to please and come off kind of creepy. I can be sympathetic if I don't think that the person is just doing something like I do, and just talking about problems when there are clear and obvious answers. It's always usually more obvious and easier to the person outside of your life of what you should do next, but it takes courage and that's difficult to muster. I can be too quick to really listen, I just want to solve problems, and can come off quite cold.

Concerned and detailed.

I do like details, which can be a bad thing because it's so easy to be consumed by details, like travel itineraries and places to see, history of places, or just typical work details. Sometimes I think I don't care enough, which I don't like.

Loyal but not always honest.

The problem is that I find myself on the fence a lot. I am rarely ever faced with hostile people. Plenty of people don't like me, I'm sure, but they are never rude to my face, so I am always left in the dark. I find a lot of my friends experience hostile people and I just want to wish myself back in time so that I could be there to stick up for them.

I find myself often in between people in a fight or a disagreement or just two people who simply dislike each other and that can be difficult. I've learned to just be quiet and listen, though sometimes it's hard to not realize the other persons faults and have a good ol' bitching session.

Lately I was put in that situation and I was objective and said, "I don't want to bitch about people." It was easy.

I'm hardly ever honest when it comes to being on time. Often so many lies, lies, excuses and lies. I'll learn to quit that... hopefully.

Does work well.

Not lately. If given clear direction I can get things done quickly and efficiently. I wish I worked harder. I work harder at my personal activities instead of my job, but I don't think it was always like this with work or always will be. I'm in a rut, work-wise. I really don't know how people can drag themselves out of bed to a job they don't like. Sure, I've been there, but never for as long as this, and my job is really easy and fairly enjoyable.

Very confident.

Surprisingly, I can be. I am often thrust in situations that most people would shy from. I'm more confident after I've worked for something for a while and know what I'm talking about or know that I've trained enough and am ready to perform. I wish I was in a situation to "bring it" again. Sometimes I feel like I wing things too much and that I ride on my own bullshit too much.

Sensitive.

Annoyingly so. Sometimes I'm too sensitive to other people's feelings which I think people don't like because you have to analyse it too much, and that's annoying for them.

Thinking generous.

Ha, "thinking generous" is definitely true. I always think about what I would do for friends and family if I had the money and when I had the money sometimes I was unwisely generous and paid for meals or plane trips in hopes for just closer friendships or memories without realizing that it takes two to tango. Since learning this, some experiences, lacking completely in funds, have been more memorable and enjoyable.

Good memory.

I have a pretty terrible memory for people that I first meet. Depending on our first conversations, it usually takes the second meeting, sometimes the third or fourth meeting to get into my brain. I don't know why, I don't like it. I would like to be more of a people person.

I also have a pretty terrible memory for moments, especially if I've done something crazy or it's a funny moment. Harry often gets really frustrated when he tries to remind me of a memory and I have absolutely no recollection of it.

I'm pretty good at remembering facts or things I've read about places that I can bring up when travelling, which depending on the mood of the person I'm travelling with can either be like tour guide or just an asshole. I don't recall all the facts though, so sometimes it's just half of the story or it's like, "This was King uh, like... the 5th of somethings place..." and that's no use to anyone.

Clever and knowledgeable.

I'm working on it. I like to read and really learn about the places I'm living in and I've learnt to want to be informed about the current world and its history. I have books of facts and historical biographies and I don't know why I enjoy it so much.

You can learn so much from the people who have already faced this earth and its hardships, no matter what time they lived in or their status.

I like listening to people who know more than me. I like surrounding myself with those people, sometimes I look like an idiot because I can't really bring anything to the conversation, but most people are okay with it.

Loves to look for information.

Oh well, here you go. You know it. I'm a googler and a hoarder of information. That's what I'm working at now, storing the information I want to keep on hand for future reference in a more convenient way so I can have less.

I'm also really into taking notes of things authors reference in their works, whether its shoes or other objects or fake bands or real bands or people and films, I like to see what inspired them and I like to make a lists of authors I like and there previous work, I'd love to be able to have read one authors complete works. I haven't done that with anyone, not even J.K. Rowling!

Must control oneself when criticizing.

Ha, I've already talked about this. Maybe I should have read this and spread out my paragraphs more. Oh...

Able to motivate oneself.

Sometimes. I can get things done pretty quickly if I feel pressure or am in a good mood. Sometimes I hide in my bed and then feel guilty about hiding and stay in bed even longer so that the day slips away.

I have no trouble motivating myself for a 5am call for a shoot though. So, I guess if I was in that world more, I could be less critical of myself?

Understanding.

I like to think I understand, but sometimes it's only what I've learnt in magazines or books and not from an actual personal experience, so I jump to answers and advice, when I should just listen and ask questions, so that I can truly know where my friends are at in a time of crisis.

Fun to be around.

Unless I'm doing any of the annoying things above. Sometimes I can be a bit moody or sometimes I feel kind of boring. I usually have a pretty fun time when I go out though, lately.

Personally things are changing sort of rapidly when it comes to how I relate to people and I can thank some of my close friends in New York for that.

Secretive.

I try not to make a big deal about it if I do have a secret. Sometimes I get myself in trouble because I spill a secret because I didn't know it was a secret. That's always stressful.

I just don't like talking too much about what I want to do or what's coming up that I'm excited about because if it doesn't happen, I don't like doing that whole, "Oh, yeah, that failed" conversation. I always feel like I'm letting more than myself down.

Loves sports, leisure and traveling.

Well, I love dancing. I wasn't big on sports because my Dad and Brother constantly watched or played them and I found that boring or irritating because smoke and drinking would be involved.

I like going to baseball games, for the crowd and lifestyle mainly. I really like basketball and want to go to a game or follow a team more. I appreciate sports in general more than I did as kid. And I wish I had just let myself try to play instead of always shying away from it... but the ball always had a knack for hitting me in the face, haha.

I do like just being able to walk around and take a day to just be amongst people or nature, I think everyone likes that more than work or sitting in front of the computer. Though sitting in front of the computer is where most of my "leisure time" is spent.

I love travelling. I want to see the world, I want to really experience places instead of just visiting, which I find really stressful.

I hope that I get to do more soon. I haven't travelled anywhere new for a long time. Though I'm glad I've experience a lot of Manhattan and am slowly seeing more and more of Brooklyn.

If I have to leave America, I want to see as many National Parks as possible before I go.

Hardly shows emotions.

At work, usually, unless its anger. I tend to show my err, crush-like feelings more than I want to; I wear my heart on my sleeve. People usually catch on pretty quickly or I am just bursting to tell everyone, which can only lead to me getting embarrassed so now I try to just quash them with rational thought telling myself the end before anything starts. It's been helpful. Hopefully it wont become a trend.

Tends to bottle up feelings.

Yes, this is true. So it can come out in short, irrational bursts when things get too stressful. I suppose I dealt with my feelings with my Mum, who would listen to all my weird ups and downs and help sort them out for me. I need to learn to do that for myself... or see a therapist like all my colleagues suggest, but, ugh, I feel like it would be a waste of time. I know what I need to fix and I know why I feel the way I do and I know what I need to do to fix it.

Very choosy, especially in relationships.

Oh yes, I can't really be intimate with someone unless I feel totally comfortable with them or I am impressed by them in someway or if I can see a possible long-term relationship with them. Even if I know that the whole thing is just casual and will end eventually. I just don't know how people can let so many people into their lives in that intimate way. I don't look down on it or think its bad at all. I just can't do it, it freaks me out. Makes me feel icky.

I fall for new people every day in short little bursts. I admire a lot of people. I'm also just embarrassed for past heart-on-my-sleeve moments and hate that some guys get creeped out when I find it really funny at the time, so now I'm even more choosy... the weird thing is, I've been with some great people but I fuck up with them and I've been with some pretty terrible people and have had longer relationships with them than the good people.

I haven't had a real relationship, if ever, for longer than a couple of months. Longer due to long distance.

Systematic.

I like things to be done just so, in a certain way, but it's all in my head, it never happens that way. Maybe I'll be a method actor though... Ha, Stella Adler would be so disappointed.

Well, that was pretty gnarly and pointless. I'm sure when I look at this in September I'll have changed my mind three times about all these thoughts or insights into myself, hopefully I'll be a better person. That's usually all I've ever strived to be, just better.

Happy Birthday, Caitlin ;P