Stamp the Pants

I wish that underpants came with a stamped date of when you purchased them. If they did, we could learn a lot about each other by simply asking, "How old are your underpants?"

Imagine this, you are sitting with a friend whom you have known for some time. You have gone to parties together, to restaurants together, talked about each other's lives with care, but you've never asked the question, "How old are your underpants?" So you do and they tell you and the appropriate alternative actions follow:

1. Respond to this information with the date of your own underpants that you are currently wearing, but only do so if,

a) they responded to your questions positively, which means you are on the same level and perfectly within your rights to discuss each others underpants (this is also a great way to make conversation because the adventures of underpants can often be funny),

b) the date of their underpants does not freak you out.

If you are on a date, and they say their underpants were purchased today or recently, then they probably want to either,

a) sleep with you, or,

b) they have just had a major life crisis that resulted in a frenzied purchase of new underpants.

You may or may not want to be involved with this person because,

a) you do not think of them that way, or,

b) you need time to consider whether they are even stable and capable of functioning as a normal, well-balanced Human being.

Unless it was by complete coincidence, such a new purchase of underpants can only reveal them to either be,

a) dirty,

b) completely incapable of washing underpants,

c) the kind of person who loses underpants due to their general frenzied and flakey way of living or,

d) the kind of person who thinks that new underpants are alluring or fun, and that really isn't the kind of person a simple, well-balanced, registered voter, and civilized citizen like you wants to be involved with.

If you are uncomfortable with their new purchase, the best thing to do is to be honest. Society appreciates honesty and if you give them time to explain their underpants to you, you may find your friendship has grown closer than before, when you didn't know how old their underpants were.

Now, what if the date of the pants is too old? This can be a problem because it is hard to tell whether their wearing of old underpants is a compliment to you, an insult or means you need to run very fast in the opposite direction.

The best thing to do is quickly think of a few reasons why their pants could be so old. Here are some helpful thoughts; they either,

a) are wearing a lucky pair of underpants that makes them feel special and brave because they want to impress you,

b) want to insult you by wearing old underpants to show that they don't care about the time they spend with you,

c) they are not a well-balanced individual who sets aside time to purchase new underpants,

d) they have separation anxiety,

e) they are too sentimental and will be clingy in your relationship,

f) their residence is ill-kept or they have no residence,

g) they are meeting you after a one-night stand with someone much older and less attractive in the cold light of day. They had snuck out at five in the morning without checking what clothes they were wearing because they were so filled with regret, but then they realized they not only had on the wrong underpants but also had on the wrong pants and did not have their house keys, and have now locked themselves out of their one-night stands apartment. They didn't want to call their said "stand" so they just wandered the streets thinking about all the mistakes they had made until they remembered the date you had planned and now you know why they were there so early and why their hair looks like sex hair, or,

h) they are the type of person who kills people.

React appropriately. Be calm, civilized, help them or be honest and explain that you just don't need a person who does that in your life right now and/or call 911 or your areas Emergency code.

If the date of their underpants does not freak you out, (a simple, well-balanced, registered voter, and civilized citizen like yourself should have at least one new pair of underpants for each year and may own underpants for as long as five years, up to ten if they are very special and not worn frequently) then proceed to tell the story of your underpants.

Story Ideas: Where did you get them? Where have they been? Have they ever talked to you during an acid trip, etc? (Every simple, well-balanced, registered voter and civilized citizen is allowed to go a little hog wild every 15 years.)

And lastly, if they do not respond positively to your question then you should apologize sincerely and steer the conversation towards the Pasta Alfredo that you are eating, because that is what you eat if you are a simple, well-balanced, registered voter and civilized citizen - just don't forget the Caesar Salad on the side!

However, if you must know the date, I suggest a shoe-camera for up-skirting (take it back to your friendly neighborhood molester to get an approximate date or you should break into their place of residence and check... because all pants will be stamped with the date that you buy them from now on. Because of this blog. Because it is amazing.

Thank you for your time.

- A Civilized Citizen.